Betrayed ~btsxtae~

Alone

(message me sometime?)

~~~Taehyung~~~

What felt like years, but could only have been months, passed by in a blur. With no place to call home, I've went from abandoned buildings to dark alley ways every night, sleeping with one eye open, eating scraps from trashcans.

I've always read stories and news articles about people going from rags to riches, but I've never seen anything about people going from riches to rags. I'm still not used to the cold nights, or the constantly growling stomach. I'm not used to the smell that clings to me like stubborn gum on the sole of a shoe. I'll never be used to the feeling of loneliness, colder than any winter's night, emptier than my stomach after days without food, more painful than any physical wound my body could get.

I often find myself wondering how the others are doing, whether or not they miss me. I wonder if they're looking for me, if they've been spending this time searching endlessly. I hope they're all eating and sleeping well. I hope they've moved on from me. I hope they're happy. I'm conflicted between what would hurt worse, knowing they've spent so long hopelessly searching, or finding out that they've given up all hope. A small part of me hopes they slave endlessly over a map, marking places they suspect I'd be, but a larger part of me hopes they'd give up searching and live happily.

I've come to the realization that my actions are unnecessary, problematic, and even cowardly. Running from my problems instead of facing them. I may even be acting like a child, but I refuse to turn back. Is it my pride that's stopping me, or is it fear? Possibly a mixture of both.

I'm brought out of my thoughts as an excited bark is heard from my left. I turn my head away from my half eaten breakfast burrito a girl left for me and chuckled at the site of a white fur-ball jumping around.  A small chuckle escapes my lips as I toss a piece of bacon for the dog.

"So, No-Name, have you heard?" I ask the dog, watching him settle on my lap, "It's supposed to snow soon..."

I sigh, pulling my tattered coat tighter around my body. The weather has been changing with the seasons, leaves on trees changing from sea green to a burnt golden color and finally falling from branches. Mornings becoming foggy, and evenings becoming colder with each passing day. The dog nuzzles himself into the tattered fabric covering my stomach. I blow a puff of warm air into my cupped hands before rubbing them together quickly, burrowing my face into the shoulder of my light sweater. Times like these were times I wish I had thought ahead more when I left, or that I could go back home. Well, it's not necessarily that I can't go back, more so that I don't want to.

I don't want to go back and face the others after everything that's happened. I miss them all dearly, but it would hurt me too much to go back. It would hurt to see their worried gazes. It would hurt to have them dote on me or apologize for something that was completely my own fault. But it would hurt the most to see Jungkook and Jimin again.

When I find my mind wandering, though it always finds its way to the boys, it almost always ends with the two. My boyfriend, and my best friend. Though it hurts, I know all I want is for them to be happy and if it's with each other I wouldn't be able to stop them. Often I find myself blaming my own actions for everything that happened. If I hadn't neglected Jungook so much, he wouldn't have sought out comfort from another. In the very back of my mind I know I'm not entirely the one to blame, and I'm sure no one else blames me, but I can't help but want to place the blame on someone- whether it be rightfully placed or not.

Gently, I nudge the dog off my lap before pushing myself to stand. Stumbling forward, I quickly catch myself on the wall closest to me and wipe at my nose, which has begun to drip. Once I regain my balance, I wobble towards the exit of this building with No-Name following close behind me. My skinny body sways with the force of the biting wind, forcing me to hold onto walls and windows to keep myslef upright as I hobble down random roads and alleyways, no clear destination in mind. 

My head pounds with the effort of keeping myself upright, my vision blurring as dark spots appear. I lift my hand to my temple and massage their gently, turning just in time to see a silhouette jump behind the shadow of a trashcan. I faintly register that someone could be following me, but the thought flees my mind as I turn back around and continue my journey.

After what could only have been three minutes, I find myself trapped in a dead-end alleyway. Walls made from chipped, dirtied bricks surround me and shroud me in complete darkness. My knees wobble and my strength weakens. I reach for something to grab onto, but fall forward. A loud slap echoes through the alley, cutting the silence like a knife as my cheek comes in contact with the cold concrete. I drift in and out of consciousness, listening to the sound of footsteps coming closer and closer, until finally a blurry shoe steps into my line of sight.   

With quiet thoughts of self hatred whispered into my ears and blanketing my body in a freezing cold warmth being the last thing on my mind, a small, barely recognizable voice heard over the harsh brush of wind carrying the voices- the whispers- "Hey- there you are.." and I find myself falling into a deep sleep filled with horror stricken boys and guilty consciences.