When I Was [a poem]

When I was eleven

I received “the talk”

I had grimaced and

shivered about how

disgusting and painful

it sounded

When I as twelve

I had told myself

I would save myself for marriage

I would not drink

I would not smoke

When I was thirteen

I began to be sad

For no reason at all

And thought I needed

a boy to change me

I had my first kiss

at a football game

with a boy I had just met

a few hours before

And we held hands

And we made out

behind the bleachers

But we broke up

Two weeks later

As I told him that my

heart belonged to someone else

And it did

When I was fourteen

I was head over heels

for a boy who still

makes my stomach

turn

He taught me what it was like

to love

and be loved

To fight with the best intentions

To want with every fiber of your being

But then he left

And I fell into a sadness

so deep and so dark

It hurt to breathe

And left me alone

He gained his wings

And all I wanted

was to have my own wings

And I screamed

And I cursed him

And I hated him

But I loved him

I still love him

I numbed myself

with cigarettes

and alcohol

and pot

At just fourteen

At just a freshman

I had broken the promises

I had only made two years earlier

When I was fifteen

I gave myself to a boy

On a Tuesday in June

I tried to have his touch

His lips on my neck

His hand in a place