book 1

1~Death and Last Moments

February 7, 2014. We all went to her hospice room like usual. There was a sort of eerie air or atmosphere and I, being only 11, didn't quite fully grasp the idea of what was happening. I knew she was sick. I knew she lived years more than what was supposed to be only about 6 months. What i didn't know, was that it was time. She was deteriorating. The women who i spent the most time with other than the people of my household. The biggest and most important person in my life, was soon to be taken from me by your "almighty" God. She wouldn't be allowed to see me graduate. Join band. March in my first parade. Meet my first boy/girlfriend. Watch me grow up and become someone. Become, me. These were the last moments with her for me. Me and my cousin, Kimberley were together while we were there. I wasn't able to be in the room, or i would have had a panic attack. It was probably around 9:30 when i was going to say goodbye unknowingly forever.  Me and Kim went into her room. I remember hugging my grandmother and saying that i would see her later and that i loved her. I couldn't tell how confused she was. After that i left the room and kim was out near the mini kitchen area. I remember being told that she couldn't even tell if we were real or just a dream or hallucination. I remember clutching to Kim trying my hardest to not cry, to be strong for her because she needed it. People told me later that it was one of the worst sights they had ever seen. That it broke their hearts. That they knew that we knew it was our last time seeing her. And in a way i think we did.  My aunt decided it was a good idea to tell people she only had 24 hours to live. I remember breaking down in the parking lot of Save A Lot because of this. I was offered to be taken to see her again. To just visit. I declined saying "no no im fine. I'll see her on monday after school."  There never was an after school on monday. I usually went to my dads every sunday but i was instead taken to my grandmas. My mother was there. At first i was excited because it meant getting out of my dads house but i soon relized there was only one thing that would stop me from going. She was dead. February 9, 2014. Early in the morning. Died in her sleep i was told. Didn't feel a thing. I heard everyone was called to go see her to say goodbyes. All but me and kim. They all got their goodbyes. I was mad about this for a long time. Hell i kinda still am. I was told "you don't have to be this strong for us. We are here for you. You can be sad or angry and cry or anything. Anything you need. We are here." I talked as little as possible for the next week. I was forced to go to school 2 days after it happened. I broke down everytime i was alone. This is why i now have a big fear of being alone. Even if only for a little while. Why i have mental break downs pretty much once a week. That was when my life was truely ripped apart. I became depressed. I was in 5th grade and i started cutting. I would cut my finger nails to points and then cut myself with them and then claim it was a paper cut from school after cutting my nails short again. I wanted desperately to die before i even entered middle school. I became hysterical. I would laugh at inappropriate times at school but no one said anything cuz they knew, but never cared enough. Or maybe didn't know the signs of being suicidal at the age of 11-12. Who knows.  I didn't. All i knew was that one of the only people i cared for? Was dead. It still effects me 3 years later. I have countless mental issues that might have happened anyways but probably not that early. I never went to therapy even though i needed it and still need it. Shes dead. Judith A. Brake, my Great Grandmother. Has been dead for over 3 years. And i hate that i should have spent more time with her. Tried harder to take pictures of/with her. Make and remember more memories of her. We went to Disney together and i dont even remember half of it. But thats all i have for this chapter/memory. I hope your life ends out better than mine. ❤