Santi: A Love Epic

The First Epic Chapter

The year was 1942. Just kidding it was actually 2017, but in an alternate timeline we can say it was 1942. Santi had just exited his English classes for the day. He was very proud of himself for slipping in a swastika in his English paper without his teacher noticing. And now, he was about to go home, and commence...the Plan.

What was the plan? Santi called it in his head, "the REEEEawakening." He was going to use the darkest of Serbian black magic to resurrect his fallen heroes, Hitler, Groebbels, and the elusive Blue Man. He didn't have all the necessary ingredients until today, when he clandestinely cut a lock of hair off a BLM activist's head in his class. And now, he was ready.

He blended all of his items together in a thick paste-- the BLM hair, the thick sweat of a middle-aged NEET, the breast milk of said NEET's imaginary mommy gf, a Croat's severed finger, a tablespoon of Mountain Jew Baja Blast, a single string off of his banjo, the scalp of a commie, and one singular unit of smoked salmon for good measure. He then shaped the paste into that of a swastika and put it in the oven to bake.

While it was in there, he scrambled to his bedroom to get the proper attire. The ideal outfit would be a nazi or Serbian warlord uniform, but he couldn't yet afford one, so the next best thing was his trusty ski mask and axe.

With his outfit in check, he stood in front of the oven, brought out his iPad, and began to play the ceremonial orchestration to start his summoning chant:

"Now, this is a story all about how

The Croats bombed my entire hometown

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became a Serbian Volunteer"

The music then abruptly switched to some German death metal as he started screaming (much to his neighbors' dismay):

"COMMIES! JEWS! BAD NEWS!

PROF. GROEBBELS IS COMING FOR YOU!

I HAVE A GIF OF HIM LAUGHING

WE'LL ALL EGGS DEE WHILE YOU'RE DYING!"

He then resorted to simply repeating "Life of blue man" over and over as he threw the final few objects for the ritual (a few photos of his heroes he had at hand, the screams of all the BLM cucks on twitter he has pissed off collected in a JAR, a few of his classic edits prominently featuring that guy from Two and a Half Men, and a fidget spinner Nat let him take) into a bowl and burned them.

The swastika in the oven began fuming with smoke-- the ritual was almost complete. And now, the final touch: Santi took a container full of the blood of Lew and beside the bowl wrote "when u fucking die xd" with it on his finger.

As if this was the key to summon the beasts, strange lights and sounds began emanating from the oven, and Santi stepped back in awe. Soon, his keklords would return from the ashes and bring peace and quality memes to the planet once again! Together, they would unite forces and bring an end to the Harambe meme once and for all.

A light flashed before his eyes, and as he blinked away the dizziness, he expected to see his saviors standing before him, tall and blue.

Instead, what stood before him was something he never expected, and never wanted.

A strange amalgamation of various types of body parts and stolen concepts from various popular video game franchises came together to form one twitching, hissing monstrosity that writhed horrendously on the kitchen floor before him. Its sickly grey, leathery skin shuddered beneath its matted fur blacker than the soul of the 'being white is a sin' bitch on Twitter, and as it raised two bloodshot, disgustingly large and seemingly melded-together eyes to meet Santi's fear-filled ones, it spoke.

"Hey there friend, my name is Shadow the Darkhog!!"