06 13 | BTS [eight] √

After: 06 15

(The thick color of a rainy day in Seoul)
The racing cars, the squirming umbrellas all over the place
It's cloudy and the air is clear
(The rain stops and the reflection in the puddle)
With a light gray background, why am I standing here?
I don't know if I have a lot of thoughts or no thoughts at all

Jungkook was staring at the windows, raindrops repeatedly hitting against the glass in a steadily lazy rhythm. His fingers were haphazardly tracing the raindrops making their way down the windows. His eyes starred into the grey buildings in the distance and it was like his state of mind reflected in them. He had woken up with tears in his eyes and it was a mystery why. The nurses were shocked to see it and almost sent him to the psychiatric ward.

Since then, what he had done each morning was only to cry. It had almost become a common sight for the boy to cry for the nurses, so they would place a box of tissue on his bedside table. This misery had been haunting Jungkook for days, but he couldn't remember why. The doctor had told him that he suffered from amnesia, and mostly things from the past was what he had forgotten. Well, he was told he was found on the sidewalk in the middle of the night. A passerby saw him passed out, and dialed for the ambulance. The police had came by several times, but all Jungkook could respond was "I don't know." or "I don't remember." It was clear that it was frustrating the boy himself and also the others that were trying to help him. But who can help his mind recall?

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I'm tired of this place, I hope people change
I need time to replace, what I gave away
And my hopes, they're high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist, I still want it all

Jungkook was humming along to this tune he had heard on the radio. It was another particularly boring day inside the ward, which was usual. Jungkook felt that he had recovered and wanted to be discharged, but the doctors kept him here insisting they need to observe to ensure he was alright.

And I see swimming pools, living rooms and aeroplanes
I see a little house on the hill with children's names
I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray
But everything is shattering and it's my mistake

The last words that he softly sang with the radio were choked with emotions. His eyes were brimming again with unshed tears and his hands were itching to wipe them away. Walking towards the bathroom, he sat on the toilet cover and his hands furiously swiped them away. But the tears kept coming like a broken tap, and they couldn't just stop flowing. His throat wanted to let out a wail but he clamped his mouth shut. There was no need for anyone to know what was going on with his emotions. The emotional rollercoaster he felt just had to be tucked in within, only for himself to see.

When he emerged out later, his eyes were bloodshot and swollen up. The nurse that came in at that moment just quietly set his meal on the table and hurriedly left. Jungkook shuffled to his bed and laid on it, lying on his left that had his back facing the door. He closed his eyes and tried to drift off into the blackish grey landscape in the abyss of sleep.

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"Hyung!"

A voice screamed in his mind, making his eyes shoot open. His fingertips were cold, and he was trembling. He slowly got up, but he slumped back on his bed. He seemed to be paralysed by the scream and somewhat traumatised. It was a scream filled with pure agony and grief. But it had not been his voice screaming, but someone else. It was someone from his past, he was sure of it. He could barely remember the person's name or how he looked like. He waited for a few moments more before trying again. It was okay till he tried to stand, and he fell. His hands struck against the movable table, causing a loud clang as the metal of the table hit the bedside. A nurse came running in, confused by the ruckus made. She saw him lying there, struggling to get up but failing. Rushing over, she grabbed his arms but he shook them away.

"It's okay." He grunted. "It's just temporary." He used his hands to grab onto the bed, trying to push himself up. His legs wobbled but he steadied himself, gingerly lifting himself up to his height. He grabbed onto the table to stop himself from buckling again. Turning to the nurse, he rose his eyebrows and chuckled to show his point. The nurse looked away, and she walked out.

"It's okay. Isn't it?" He voiced out his worries into the now empty room. He chuckled bitterly and sat on his bed, burying his head in his hands.

"Let me get out." Jungkook said one day, when his doctor was making the rounds. "Soon." She distractedly replied, scribbling furiously on her notepad. Jungkook narrowed his eyes. "When is that soon?" He quipped, adding a sarcastic tone to his words. The doctor didn't reply and just walked out. Jungkook sighed. It wasn't new to wake up and see a camera's red light blinking back at him, but this was going too far. As far as he knew, he was alright. Physically it was fine but mentally...it was passable. And he wanted to get to breathe the air outside. He was dying to do it but the doctor's orders stopped him. As far as he knew, the doctor's words were somewhat had an authority of sorts. He wouldn't dare to go against them because they knew what was best for him.

But honestly, he didn't really care now. That desire was too great. And so he planned to just walk out.

And out he went, into the sea of flashing cameras and screams of people he didn't recognise. Calling out his name and throwing lots of questions his way, and making him put a hand over his face to shield his eyes from the nearing blinding flashes.

The sea didn't quieten, so did his mind. He opened his mouth and quietly said, "I don't know."

And it was silent once again and Jungkook could breathe again. He held his head and looked straight forward as he walked out of the sea.

Finally, freedom.

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No he ain't.

The rain that falls like a melody makes everything seem andante
I get ready and leave, opening the umbrella that was as wrinkled as my face
As I walk, the moment I heard the rain
I wondered who this rain was falling for
A sound that hits against the lonely gray cement
Come slow down

The thick color of a rainy day in Seoul
I still can't fall asleep as I fade away
The rain stops and the reflection in the puddle
I see myself looking more miserable today

Even when this rain stops, when the clouds go away
I stand here, just the same
Without saying anything, looking at the world
There, a not so beautiful me is looking at myself

He was walking the sidewalks, aware that he was drenched. But he kept walking, staying at that constant pace. Left foot up and step forward. Right foot move forward and step down. It kept repeating and Jungkook just lost count.

He stopped at an apartment. It was modern looking, with tall glass windows stretching across the exterior. They were however dull looking with mostly greys or blacks and the occasional white popping up. He walked in, and went to the lift. It came after a while and he pressed 7. The minute distortion of reality came as he went up. The doors opened again and he walked out, to the white door in front of him.

Everything makes sense now.