I sat against the wall, facing the window
I'd been sitting there for a while
At first, I was thinking about how blue the sky was
How it was that crisp, sharp color
That only come around with winter
Then I was thinking about how small the window was
How much of the sky I could not see.
I knew the sky went on forever, that I could follow it
And, though it may change color, I would never reach the end
Which then led me to think,
"Why should I only see a piece of the sky?
There's so much more, so why am I stuck here
With only a square of bright light?
Why don't I bother to get up?"
And I realized
I was afraid
I was afraid to know more
Though my mind wanted to learn
Though my heart was breaking without
That which I'd craved my life for
I was frightened
A coward in my own body
Life certainly had not sheltered me
Life certainly had hardly been kind
I had faced more than I have ever wanted
And I wanted the things I had been forced
To forget
But to do that meant
I had to forget what I had learned
To protect
To survive
Now that it had been imprinted in my mind
Forever
That I was all I had
It was hard to let someone else lead
Time stretched on
When I wanted so badly for someone to love
To kiss
To embrace
To be there for me
And time went on forever
And ever
Until I understood
That for me to love someone
Meant I had to be vunerable
It meant I had to learn to let
Someone else lead
To let someone else
Worry
Protect
Be strong
Even something as simple as kissing
I don't have the courage in myself
To let someone else come close
I knew who everyone saw
Was not who I was
The emotions I forced away
The words I bit back
The hurt I hid
The tears I held
The face I have given them
Is so hard to take off now
Leaving the emotional wreck
Bottled away
I have come to see
That what I am
And what I want
Are not companions to be kept
Who I am
Has almost disappeared
Because she is scared to be abandoned
Who I am
Is a protector
She won't let anyone be hurt
The way she has
Who I am
Is a mother
Because she never had one
Who I am
Is closed off
Because she won't be rejected
What I want
Is a mother
But she won't let one back in her life
What I want
Is an actual friend
And not the one that doesn't
Consider her feelings
What I want
Is love
But I don't think
I can let someone
In
To stand by my side
To take care of me
To be strong for me
To help me
And if I can't do that
How can I accept love?
And this window
This tiny window with its view
Of the vast sky
Has allowed me to see it
And I find I can't cry
I find I can't accept it
