Carry On

Chapter three: Part

Josh

       

Josh was being eaten alive, and not just by cancer. Guilt was tearing him apart.
On one hand, Josh felt that letting Lilly go would hurt her at first, then save her from more unneeded pain...

But Josh didn't want to die alone.

He wanted Lilly to hold his hand, to be there. So that Josh knew that at least someone loved him.
But if Josh loved Lilly as much as Lilly loved Josh, wouldn't he stop being so selfish and keep her away from him when he reached his inevitable and untimely death?
Was it greedy of him to want someone to sit with him while he met his end?

God. The world was so fucked up. Josh was seventeen. He should be out having fun somewhere, not lying in a hospital bed, constantly thinking about dying.
He wasn't dumb, he heard the hushed conversation between Lilly and the doctor, and he knew he didn't have much time left. In fact, he was actually surprised that he wasn't dead yet.
Josh hadn't cried in a while. He didn't cry when he broke his wrist at fifteen, hell, he didn't even cry when he'd been told he had cancer.
But in that moment, something dawned on him, something that he'd often thought of- yet not quite processed.
Josh screwed his eyes shut and buried his face in his stiff, uncomfortable pillow, letting out inaudible sobs.
He was going to die... He was actually going to fucking die. Because he wasn't special. He was just another average teenaged cancer patient. Just another insignificant number that would up the yearly statistics.
Josh was just-
No... Thinking about this wouldn't do him any good. He had to stop.
He could do this another time, like at night, when there wasn't any chance of Lilly walking in on him.
Josh quickly sat up and wiped the tears away, then took a deep breath in, counted to five, and let it out.
But that didn't help anything. Josh had spiralled too far down into a realm of overthinking and self-pity.
How would it feel when he was merely minutes from his heart beating for the very last time?
Would it be painful?
Perhaps his death might be even more painful than the agony he was going through being alive.
Josh highly doubted that.

A light knock on his door startled him out of his thoughts. That must've been Lilly.
Shit. What if she'd heard him; had he made any sort of noise?
"Josh, can I come in?"
"Uh, yeah. Sure, if you want..." Lilly laughed and pushed the door open, entering with a fake smile plastered across her face.
"Josh... You look-"
"Like shit? I know."
"Well, I was gonna say better but if that's the sort of lifestyle you're going for then I won't judge."
Josh grinned and scooted over to leave room for Lilly to lie down next to him.
She pressed herself closely to him, and he kissed the top of her head, breathing in her sweet vanilla and honey scent.
They lay like that for hours, casually discussing things like the hag of a nurse that was usually stationed around Josh's ward, and how they were sure that she was lying about having a husband.
It was these kinds of days that made Josh forget about his current situation.
However, it took a lot more than that for Lilly to get it off her mind.