Carry On

Chapter five: This

       

In the past three weeks since Lilly had spoken to the doctor outside Josh's ward, her mind had been playing tricks on her.
What used to be a well oiled machine, organized and knowledgeable, had darkened with pain and recurring anxiety.
Josh had once saved her when they were younger, from the darkness that surrounded her. From the bullies and the panic attacks. He was the one person that would follow her when she bolted out of class without her books, the one person who actually gave a shit that Lilly had locked herself in a cupboard, the one person that stood up for her and pulled her away from the edge of the cliff when she was going to jump...

The one person that Lilly couldn't return the favor to.

Because Lilly couldn't find the cure for cancer. Or at least, not in the week that Josh was said to have left.
Then again, Lilly didn't think he might even have that.
Josh had been getting progressively worse. Some days Lilly would walk in and he would barely be able to open his eyes to look at her, and some days she could hear each breath rattle around in his lungs.
On those sorts of days, Lilly felt helpless. All it seemed that she could do was hold his and and murmur to him about her day so far.

Sometimes, he asked her to read to him. So every day instead of working hard at school, she would write down part of a little story, and she tell it to him.
She conjured up green rolling hills and trees with red-orange leaves.
She would imagine snow in winter, and rain in the spring, and a beautiful cabin in the woods.
There were cozy fireplaces and fluffy pillows and warm blankets and cats that sat in your lap and purred.
Lilly couldn't give much of this to him in real life, so she gave it to him in the form of a beautiful story

But Josh didn't seem to care which reality it was in.

Either way, those were the only times that Lilly had seen him relax in a while. When she began talking he would close his eyes, and a slight ghost of a smile would creep onto his face.
But when she was done and there was no more to tell, his expression would revert back to a sort of grimace, as if every waking moment to Josh was pain.

Lilly wished she could stop it. She would do anything to take his cancer away. Hell, she'd even take his place. She was almost sure that nothing would hurt either of them as much, if she were the one greeting death sooner rather than later.

Because she really did love him, truly and unconditionally. The love she felt for him was a love she had never in all her life, felt for someone else.
He had been the only one that cared enough to take the pain away, the only one gentle enough to stop the panic attacks.
The only one that could match her love with his own.

And he was going to die.