An Undying Love

Story

"I got what I came for, it's not what I thought I was gonna get but it's what I'm supposed to have..." Paige was talking to me, she had came to my house, in fact let herself in. I was angry at first but I gave her a glass of water and we got to talking, she ended up being really calming to speak to. She had found out about the baby already , but apparently Em let her in on the true circumstances of my pregnancy. That they were Emily's eggs, not mine. And of course that we didn't know who the father truly is, while we do indeed have our theories. Paige had understood 'A' back when we were in High School, she wasn't a part of it but she was always updated on what was going on so she knew that A had done this to me, and she realized how terrible it was and why Emily always had to help me.

"I'm sorry you're going through a hard time." She told me, I wasn't sure how to reply, truly I couldn't tell whether she was being nice or just talking to me because she was trying to comprehend the entire thing.

"Thanks," is all I replied. 

"I don't want to make this any tougher, but before I go.. there's something I need to know," She told me this and I got a nervous feeling, but I wanted to hear her out.

"What?" is all I said, all I could think to say.

"Do you love her?" She was talking about Emily, I knew she was but I couldn't let her, or anyone for that matter know my feelings about Em, how much I truly care for her.

"Do I love-," I said, but I was cut off.

"Emily, do you love her?" Paige asked. I figured what she'd want me to say is no, she'd wanted to prove that Em is in love with me for nothing, but that wasn't the truth. 

"I'm the last person you should ask about love," I said this angrily and sat up off the couch, I did love Em, I always have, the fact that I even chose to marry Elliott, or Archer, upset me. I thought I loved him, I didn't even know him. I loved Emily, and only Emily. 

There was a short pause from when i got up before Paige sighed and replied, "Maybe, but you're the only one who could answer the question," She was right, I looked down at my feet and shook my head side to side once, she continued to talk, "You know Emily loves you, maybe you've known all along and that scares you, that's what made you scared and such a terrible person.. sorry, a person who sometimes did terrible things." 

What Paige was saying wasn't wrong. I had always known that Emily loved me, I've known for 8 years, I've known since the library. I read her that paragraph about love from the Dickens novel because I loved her too. I loved that kiss we shared. I love everything about Emily, every memory I have with Emily, good and bad, because she's there with me.

"I was terrible, sometimes I still am.. that's why you can't ask me that." I said this sternly, so she would stop asking, I loved Emily but I didn't want anyone to know, I especially didn't need Paige of all people knowing, "about Emily," I added on, to hopefully make her understand that it was too much a complicated question for me to truly answer.

"You find it so hard to be honest with yourself," Paige said this, she seemed as if she was starting to get agitated with my deliberately broad responses, "I guess you don't have a lot of practice with that." She stated this second remark a bit calmer than the first, but she wasn't wrong about either. I never had been able to be honest with anyone, especially myself. 

"Not really," I made sure to speak in a calm tone of voice, hoping she would calm down with it, she wasn't immediately replying so I kept going. "People don't like the truth. The truth is slippery.. can't depend on it."

"Try it.. just for a minute" She said this in a eminently hush tone, I still didn't want to answer, but now it felt as if I needed to. 

I let out a short sigh before continuing to speak, "I know how.. I feel when she looks at me," I'm tearing up but try not to show it, "I've never felt that with anyone before." I sigh again, trying to stop myself from crying, "It's like, she sees who you really are, maybe that's the scariest part. You look at her, you look at her eyes," I'm rendering for words, "and you wanna be worth the effort." I'm sucking myself in and now I have to continue, I have to finally let out my true feelings. "You want to be the person she sees." I get distracted thinking about her and I pause from speaking.

Paige interrupts my trance, "thanks for the water," 

"I didn't answer your question." 

"But you didn't lie to me. The old Ali might have, just to get me out of the house." She says she walks past me. She's in the doorway when she glances back and calls my name, "Ali," I turn around, "You're gonna have a beautiful baby." She smiles at me, then turns and walks away. 

I turn back around, tears falling down my face, and I just sit on the couch, for a while, and I cry.

I'm sitting on the floor in the hallway, I was debating whether to talk to Em or not when I hear her walk in.

"Ali?" She asks this as she walks in before she spots me, "hey," she says, I try not to face her so she can't see my tears, but she does anyway. "What's wrong?" She asks this, but she asks in a way that makes me know she really wants to know the answer, she truly cares why I'm upset. I consider telling her what Paige and I talked about earlier but I decide against it.

Instead I look down at my twiddling thumbs, and then straight ahead, still not looking at Emily face to face. "I thought about it, about what it means.. about what it could mean," I told her. She said earlier that she wanted me to have the baby. After all, they were her eggs, she had the right. I told her I'd think about it then, but I'd figured my answer would be no, Paige helped me change my perspective. She made me realize I would do anything for Em, and I had to do this.

"I'm going to have the baby," I stated this in a very definite tone, when in reality I didn't know if this was the right decision.

She looks up at me, I look over to her, "Are you sure?" she asks me. She always wanted to make sure I was happy with what I was doing. In this case, if it was for her, then I'll be happy. But I still told her the truth about how I felt.

"No." Is all I said, I wasn't sure, but I made sure to let her know that if she was there I would do it, "If you help me-"

"I'll help you." When she said this I didn't doubt it for a second. 

"Okay," was the only way I knew how to reply immediately, I sighed and after a couple seconds I answered, "then it's settled, I'll do it," I said this in an unsure state of mind, I knew I had a nervous look on my face, and I even struggled to get the words out.

"We'll do it," Em said as she grabbed my hands. She reassured me, all my thoughts, made me more confident about the entire situation. 

"Together." I said this, and she nodded and thanked me, before leaning in for a hug.

"Thank you... for trusting me." I closed my eyes and we pulled apart and stared at each other, stared and wondered, stared and imagined, stared and loved.