rants & bants

may 25

hey, um

i dunno who's gonna end up reading this but im really low right now

i dont know, i guess i have to rant and this is the best place because here i have no one to bother, no one to make uncomfortable

uh i say this to my friends a lot and maybe it weirds them out but i think my depression hit its peak two years ago

before freshman year of highschool, that march i lost two people in one week. and i dont mean that we got out of touch. i mean, dead. i dont think people realize how much that took out of me. i havent been the same since before march.*

im not always depressed. sure, most of the time i am but sometimes people make it better.

i found some of my closest friends freshman year and i love them so much. they relate to me and are always there for me and i pray im not a burden, although i know sometimes i am. i just...i wish they would be honest with me. i dont care if they talk behind my back, i just want to know what they're saying.

my grades suffered this quarter

i know it doesnt really matter, but i pride myself in getting good grades. C's just aren't acceptable for me. I got a C.

i lied to my parents about it so they wouldnt be angry that i passed a class. i shouldnt have to do that.

at this point it feels like only one person cares and listens, and even then i feel bad going to them. i go to them too much. im a burden even though they say im not.

my dog is literally the only reason i want to be home. and wifi, but thats besides the point

today i got a D- on my math final. i still passed the class, its okay. im just really over school but i have one more day and that makes me want to cry

theres no relief in coming home. for a few hours im alone but when my parents come home, my mood goes down a few notches

i wish i didnt live here. i want to take my dog and go somewhere else. anywhere else.

its starting to feel like school is more home than home is. and im not doing very well there either

*the other day a song came on and it reminded me of them. it was his-her favorite song. it made me sad. i hadnt seen her since i was younger, but i remember her smile. i didnt know she was trans until i heard about his-her suicide. i didnt want to find out like that. she-he didnt get to finish freshman year. it makes me sad.

i dont want to be here, yet i dont even know where here is. my mom hasnt taken me to my therapist in three weeks. i want school to end, i want it to go on forever. i want to spend time with friends, i want to be alone. i dont want to be a liar, but i love the thrill of lying. what am i supposed to do if i cant get myself in order? how do i focus on this crush i have if im still trying to figure myself out? how can i expect them to like me if i dont even know me?

thats all
and yet i shared too much

pink roses make me sad
"viva la vida", except she cant
because she's dead