My Friend Ana

Day 42

I finally see results. My collarbone is clearly visible, which is something I find to be quite beautiful. It's the sole beautiful thing about my body at the moment. Something as simple as a bone above my chest being visible makes me more happy and elated than I could have ever imagined. Victory, finally. 

My wrists look slimmer, and even a little bonier. Those are good, safe, and reassuring words for me. But as I look at myself, I'm unhappy. Changes are happening in my body and yet, somehow, I still dislike myself. Ana tells me I can do better and that I obviously should be doing better. I disgust her, and then I realize that I disgust myself too. 

Hayden walks into our room and takes off her work clothes. She changes into some comfy gray and black boxer briefs and a plain black tank top. Her body is perfection, and it is probably because of her imperfections. I wish I had that too. She has the skin condition vitiligo which results in discolored patches of the skin. She said she used to hate them growing up. Kids are evil, and they used to call her names like 'cow'. Her mom used to just reassure her, and tell her that cows are beautiful creatures. I thought that was rather refreshing. She made Hayden see beauty in what the children would call her so it wouldn't affect her nearly as badly, and it seemed to have worked.

I am in love with Hayden's skin, and everything else that is her own. She is the most gorgeous human being ever to grace this planet and I don't know how I got so lucky to have her in my life. I know it sounds so cliche but she truly is my soulmate. 

I want to be beautiful for her. I want her, and others, to look at me and think "wow, what a gorgeous girl". But I don't see that happening any time soon. At least not until I'm thinner. Ana makes sure to remind me of that. 

It's rather odd though, because in my mind I can see that thin doesn't always equate to being beautiful. I see others who are technically bigger than me, and I still believe they are all stunning people if they are decent on the inside too. I don't hate on other women or men for being larger, but for me it is so different. When I look in the mirror I treat myself differently than I would treat anyone. I know this is a root of my problem but I don't exactly know how to fix it. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. I know that I can't, and I shouldn't even have to if I keep it under control, maintain control, and stay focused. It should be as easy as that. 

"Netflix?" I ask while turning on our television and Hayden nods. She runs out into the kitchen to grab some popcorn. Popcorn is a safe food, very low calorie if you get the air-popped variety. She comes back in, bag in hand, with a slight smirk on her face. 

"I have a better idea. We can still Netflix...but how about we chill too?" She bites her lip and I giggle. 

"Hayden I don't think that's really a thing anymore." I lie and turn on Orange is the New Black.

"Oh, I think it's a thing." She counters and kisses my neck gently, in a way that is absolutely incredible. I love the way she makes me feel, but I can't let this persist anymore. My body is too awful. 

"Baby, 'You've Got Time' is going to be over soon, and I can't miss this show." I try to say as a lame excuse. She looks annoyed so I add, "Plus my stomach kind of hurts honey. I'm sorry." I kiss her cheek and she takes my hand as she lies down next to me. 

"It's fine love, I'm sorry you don't feel well." She says and goes to caress my stomach but I just roll over on my side. Damn this is hard. 

I tell her it's okay and we continue to watch our all-time favorite series on Netflix. Hayden soon drifts off into sleep and I find myself starting to tear up at the realization that I don't even want my soulmate to touch me anymore. I at least can't have her see me naked and touch me intimately any time soon. Not until I lose this extra, lumpy, disgusting weight that I seem to have been carrying for my whole entire disappointing life. 

Tears cascade down my face and my stomach growls. I can't eat anything more, or else I won't be any closer to my goals. Popcorn was enough for dinner. I just have to stay focused and then I know I will be so proud of myself. Ana will be proud of me too. I know she will be.