My Friend Ana

Day 75

Today is Hayden's 25th birthday. She doesn't really enjoy huge, expensive parties or anything where the focus is on her, so we usually just celebrate with each other. However, Hayden's mother did not exactly think that plan would work this year. Melinda Williams, Hayden's wonderful, yet eccentric mother, was hell-bent on throwing Hay a party to remember. 

I tried to convince her that her daughter would appreciate the thought but would prefer a more private get together. Melinda simply refused to listen to anything I had to say on the subject, and I didn't want to press any further or hurt her feelings. 

We are setting up for the party and I am in charge of baking the cake. The ironic thing about me is I love to cook and bake. I actually went to school for culinary arts and, not to brag, but I even graduated at the top of my class. You would think that this would mean that I have a wonderful relationship with food, but obviously that just isn't the case. 

The cake is red velvet with a creamy, delicious cream-cheese frosting which is my stunning wife's absolute favorite dessert. It's a pretty simple sheet-cake with two tiers. I decided to make it a little more special so I taught myself to make these sugar flowers. The first batch did not go too well, but eventually I figured out all of the folds and intricate techniques, and I have to say they are turning out rather beautiful. Shockingly, and for once, I am actually proud of myself. 

My stomach rumbles loudly interrupting my thoughts of my pale pink flowers and suddenly I am tempted to eat all of the cake. Which of course I know that I can't do because A) It is Hayden's and B) Calories. 

I shake off the urge and try to find something low calorie to eat in my cupboard. I end up grabbing a fairly ripe banana which is able to satisfy me without all of that nagging guilt. I finish up the decorating of the cake and place it inside of a large box to store it until tonight.

Unfortunately for Hayden, but sort of fortunate for her family, Hayden had to work today. She only has to be there for the first half of the day, but that should give everyone enough time to finish setting up the party.  

I decide to work on some house-hold chores to distract myself from my still-rumbling stomach. I just have to ignore it and stay focused. Ana will be proud of me. 

...

It is currently 5:30 which means we have about a half hour before Hayden arrives. There are many family members all awaiting her arrival, and I feel really bad about this party. I know Hayden will appreciate the thought which is what counts and all, but this isn't Hayden's idea of fun. In the slightest. 

I make the executive decision to pull out my phone and message Hay to kind of warn her about her mother's persistence for this party. She replies with an emoji of pure shock but says "thanks for the warning, I'll make sure to act surprised. I love you babe. Can't wait for the cake!".

She is so adorable. She really is handling this well, I figured that she would be more upset. At least she's excited for the cake. You know what, I'm excited for the cake too. I want to eat that red velvety goodness, and I'm tired of caring so heavily about my waistline, or my flabby stomach, and especially my cellulite ridden thighs. It just isn't worth it anymore. I need to forget about Ana and move on. This disorder is not helping me in any way, shape, or form. Maybe today is the day I feel better. Today is the day I indulge, and enjoy myself. For Hayden. 

I let everyone in attendance know that Hayden is on her way and we all rush to find a decent hiding place. I turn off the lights in an attempt to add to the illusion and await my wife's arrival. 

We hear the keys jingle in the lock and everyone in unison chants, "Surprise!" I mean, how cliche is that? We really couldn't have thought of something a little more clever to scream? Maybe next year. 

Hayden smiles widely, flashing her gorgeous teeth and gives her mother a huge hug, and then rushes over to me. 

"You guys are just the best. I can't believe you!" She says and follows with, "Who's ready for some cake?"

Everyone laughs and I take out my masterpiece. It is iced with buttercream and decorated with light pink, red, and white sugar flowers. I made some lilies, roses, and classic white daises- Hayden's favorite flower. I hope she loves this cake. Maybe I'll try to love it too, and stop caring about my image. 

The night continues on, everybody is stuffed with cake, and guests begin to leave. I realize that I have already eaten five pieces of cake, and large ones at that. I guess in the midst of the party I lost track of what I was eating, and now it's starting to catch back up to me. 

Four huge pieces of cake? Really? Why on Earth would I do that to myself. I feel stuffed, and my stomach now protrudes in such a sickly manner. I'm disgusting. 

I tell Hayden I'm going to use the restroom and I splash some ice cold water on my face. The toilet is practically staring at me, calling my name- enticing me to let out all of the sugar and carbs that are currently inside of me. 

I know that I shouldn't have eaten that much, and I'm definitely regretting my lack of control now. It tasted so good, but now I feel sick and so ugly. I have to do something about this.

I look at my toothbrush and sit in front of the toilet. Time to purge.