a collection of 2 am thoughts

yelling into the void about my dumb brain

i weigh 96 pounds on a good day. pounds are fucking stupid, but my mom won't let me change her scale to kilograms.

for reference, i'm 5 feet tall.

so not fat, but not skinny either. that's where my problem is.

i'm too much of a control freak to let myself be average. however, i'm average in a lot of ways.

i like to draw, and sing, and play instruments: your average artsy kid. all my grades are above 85%. good enough to make honour roll and get into universities, but not good enough to be valedictorian.

just hit 96 words, which is how many pounds i tell people i weigh, even though my weight fluctuates all the way up to weighing 102 pounds sometimes.

i don't eat much, maybe like 700-1000 calories a day. which is a problem, because in order to lose weight, you have to consume fewer calories than you burn. i don't burn many calories, because i don't participate in gym class. my gym teacher is obese and hates children.

so to lose weight, i have to eat less. and i'm a fucking pussy when it comes to being hungry.

don't get me wrong, because i'm high-key a masochist, but i cannot deal with the stomach pains i get when i haven't eaten.

i don't have the self-control to be a control freak.

most days, i feel pretty good about the way i look. i try to be a confident person. sometimes i get a random wave of "holy fuck i look like an 8-year-old girl", but other than that i'm not insecure about my body.

i'm insecure about the number.

i want to weigh at the very most, 89 pounds. in the 80-pound range, people tell you to eat a burger and wave around your skinny wrists. i only have to lose about 12 pounds. i won't look much different. i used to weigh 89 pounds, and i looked the same as i do now. it's just about the number.

which makes sense, because my life has always been ruled by numbers.

i've always been the math kid. in elementary school, while other kids were learning their multiplication tables, i would impress my teachers and peers by multiplying and dividing 3-5 digit numbers.

now, in high school, i'm a year ahead in math. i have a 96% in my class. ( the number of pounds that i'm relieved to see because it's a good distance away from 100, and my highest mark. ) i impress people by doing tricks where i find the cube roots and fifth roots of numbers up to a few million.

not something a lot of adults can do. some adults don't know what a fifth root is.

i guess math has always been the one above-average thing about me, the thing people point out and talk about. so it makes sense that everything else i obsess about is a number. the number of pounds i weigh, the number of scars i have, the numbers representing my grades.

so basically, everything i've done since i was 3 has fucked up my brain, and now i need to lose 12 pounds.

good times