a collection of 2 am thoughts

update on my fucky brain

so turns out like 2 months ago when i started to lose weight, i was eating like 1500-2000 calories a day, which is WAY more than i thought i was. i have since changed that, and now i eat about 500-800. most of it's from dinner and snacks because i usually have gum for breakfast and diet pepsi or a piece of fruit for lunch. also i fucking rock at jumping jacks and i'm cold a lot. i've lost about 8 pounds, (1 pound a week on average but i kept fucking up on vacation) so now i weigh 90 pounds, which is one more than i said i wanted to weigh.

i changed my mind though. i wanna weigh 79 pounds. i want people to be a little concerned when i tell them my weight. turns out i'm pretty rad at other things like school and art. (i probably was before, but now my self-confidence is way better, which might have something to do with the weight i lost. i hope it does, because imagine how confident i'll be at 79 pounds.)

for the first time in my life i keep looking forward to getting my period, because i promised myself if i get so unhealthy that my period stops, i have to gain the weight back.

i have a thigh gap now, and i can fit my thumb and pinky around my wrist. the size 0 pants i bought in june are too big, and i fit perfectly into a shirt i bought last month with sleeves that were a bit too tight. basically my only goal related to the actual size of my body is i wanna be able to fit my thumb and finger around my upper arm and ankle. other than that, it's just the number and the pride of doing something that takes a lot of self-control (even though it's crazy unhealthy.)

honestly, i'm pretty happy right now. (too happy to be professionally diagnosed with an eating disorder, so basically i'm fine)