Lolly

Age 32

It was a Saturday afternoon in mid-August. I was stirring some onions in a frying pan along with two burgers. My mum sat on the table, one leg on top of her other watching me. We were in in my apartment. It was small, the kitchen and living room were almost one and it had two tiny rooms plus a bathroom and that was it. But it was luxury. Luxury I could afford. My mum came over every so often. We'd cook and talk. She'd tell me about her work. I'd tell her about mine. I was still working as a clerk but hopefully, not for long. My mum had started working somewhere else. She was still a waitress but got better pay. She still lived where we had lived our whole lives. But there was a change in her. She was no longer the tired, anxious woman with messy hair and cigarette breath I had always known who cuddled me until I fell asleep and who freaked out everytime she couldn't pay the electricity bill, even though I minded less about it than she thought I did.
It's hard to explain the change. I thought she smiled more now. She still smoked the same amount of cigarettes a day but more out of habit than anxiety. She only worked one job now and her hair, although still messy and streaked with white more than ever, looked somewhat neater, like she actually bothered with it which I think she probably did. But she was still the same woman I had always known. She was still my best friend in the whole world and nothing could make that change.
As she sat at the table now, she looked weary but calm. I flipped over the burgers in the pan.
"How's work going?" She asked me this almost every time she saw me.
"It's alright," I replied. "One of the other employees is stopping because she's pregnant so there's more work to do."
"It's not yours, is it?" I turned around to make sure she was joking, which she was.
"It might be," I replied but her smile faded slightly.
"Don't mess around like that," she said suddenly sounding serious. I guess even though she was joking, a part of her, the motherly and moreover, the single mother part of her kicked in. I nodded to assure her even though I was smiling on the inside.
I turned back to the frying pan and checked the burgers which were sizzling on the fire.
"So are you prepared for September?" she asked. I smiled to myself.
"Nope," I admitted.
"Why not?" There was concern in her voice. I shrugged.
"Going back to college after ten years? How can I be prepared for that?" I flipped the burgers over.
"Are you regretting the decision?" she asked slowly. I thought about this and shook my head. I turned to look at her. She was regarding me curiously. I sighed.
I was going back to college. But this time, I had saved up myself. I was taking some loans which I had calculated I would be able to pay back eventually. It had been completely my decision. I was tired of being a clerk. I enjoyed the freedom, the independence a decent job gave me. And I was thankful, beyond words to my mum who had enabled me to get the job. But I got to the point where I felt I was just going through the motions. Slowly getting through each day without doing much else. And I looked back to all that had shaped me throughout my life. And there was one person, other than my mother and Lolly whom I could think of. And that was Mr. Jeffrey. And all the other teachers who had given a crap about me. And I realised that that was what I wanted. To become a teacher. To have an impact on others, no matter how small. To make others like me in that classroom, amid the restless faces and demoralised spirits realise that they count.
I stuck a fork in one of the burgers and blood poured out indicating that it wasn't ready yet.
"No," I said. "Not regretting it. Just don't know what to expect."
"Quit the crap." I turned to looked at her. She was slicing the bread for the burgers. "You'll do this like you've always done everything else." She didn't look up. She was right.
When the burgers were ready, I flipped them over into the buns and we ate in silence, each lost in thought.
"Thanks for everything, mum," I told her suddenly. She looked up, her mouth open and her lips closed, midway through chewing.
"What?" She said, her mouth full. We weren't really used to expressing feelings to each other.
"I said thanks. For everything." I took a bite from my burger. She nodded slowly.
"Yeah, any time," she replied and gave an awkward smile before getting back to her food.