WILD // myg

one

is it guilt that I feel?
February 2nd - Jeju Island
Mona, 22 years old

I stared the black lighter in my palm as I felt the heat coming from the small fire we started a few minutes ago. I could hear my friends talking and laughing at the background but my mood wasn't for celebration. Actually no one should be celebrating right now, not after what we've done. Not after everything we've been doing for the past two years.

"Hey!" Theo calls me "Come back! It's cold, you'll freeze." He pats the seat next to him, I let go a weak smile but don't move.

My eyes seek for tranquility starring at the blue ocean ahead of me, but my head knows pretty well that placing chairs and starting a fire with friendly conversation at the top of a cliff won't soothe me. Specially when the memories flood my mind whenever I close my eyes. I try to breathe in and out trying to avoid a mental breakdown, it feels like hiding behind the curtain with my shoes showing off.

It's three in the morning and we're out here, celebrating something not worthy of laugh. But we keep on doing it, we keep hurting our souls pretending it's fine because we're young, pretending time will heal us. For two years we've been pretending that this aching pain in our chest isn't slowly eating us up. We hide behind smiles and cheap alcohol like it'll trick our brains into believing we're okay. For a while I really did believe we'd be fine, that we'd always get away with it, but right now at three in the morning at the edge of a cliff starring the ocean I'm not so sure.

"Mona? C'mon!" Theo shouts again. "Seriously, it's freezing cold! Come sit by the fire!"

I don't look towards him, I know he won't get mad and come for me. I keep standing at the edge looking to the big blue ahead of me, not knowing where the dark blue from the sky ends and the dark blue from the water begins. Theo is right about something, it's cold. The tip of my fingers are freezing but I don't feel like moving, actually I feel like I don't even deserve to feel warm right now, I shall be punished by the cold weather and endure the cold wind blowing against my hair.

Usually I'd burn myself down just to feel warm. I'd dance among fire to feel joy. I'd hoover my hand over the flames to feel alive. And at the minute the adrenaline leaves my body I'd drown in cold water just to see if it'd do the trick. Finding ways to hurt myself had always been a hobby, maybe because the physical pain is much better than the mental one, or I'm just too messed up to see the difference.

My lips are pressed into a thin line when I tilt my head back to see my five friends drinking bottle after bottle with the goal of healing the wounds we keep on opening every night. I nod my head agreeing with my own thoughts and go join them. I sit next to Theo and he shared his blanket with me.

"Put that away." He points to the lighter in my hands." We don't need it right now."

"I didn't even realized I was holding it until now." I speak as I place it back into my jeans pocket.

"I'm glad you had it with you tonight, it really saved us." He smiles offering me a bottle but I reject it.

"I'm the driver tonight, remember?" I point to all of our drunk friends.

Theo just smiles and keeps drinking. I bring up the blanket to cover my stomach and adjust the sleeves of my sweater to cover my fingers.

"We should get going right?" Matthias asks trying to see the time on his watch but gives up. "What time is it?"

"3:26am" Daeon answers after checking on her phone." Oh shit, I have class in four hours."

"You'll probably give up on that class." Finn says lighting up a cigarette and taking a drag ."Like I did."