Confessions of Anxiety

Question the Reader

"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."

~ Anais Nin

How does one ever describe anxiety to someone who has never suffered from the every day dilemmas of this mental illness? When could one even start?

Anxiety is seen as nothing. I'm drawing a blank. I cannot think of one sentence to describe how I have felt for about two decades of suffering from Anxiety. A sentence would ever capture the true beings of the feelings.

Anxiety happens to be way more dangerous than many people think.

I have heard from other over the years that these feelings are just in my head and I need to control them. Ha. Yeah, no shit. I know it's all in my mind because I am the one living with these reactions every day. Don't you think I would control my emotions if I could? Every day, I wish controlling anxiety could be as easy as people who do not suffer from the mental illness thinks it is. In reality, anxiety is not easy for an even second.

Are you wondering who I am now?

Could I trust you, or will you be just like everyone and judge me?

I am not even sure why I should ever share my confessions or life story to strangers.

How do I know what you are going to say about my story?

I'm not saying I can't, so don't jump to that conclusion. What I am saying is are you ready to hear my life story and willing to accept anxiety as a real problem.

To be honest, I want to tell you what my mind goes through on a daily basis, but I don't know where to start. Like I said before, it's not an easy thing to go through. I wish I could break down everything in just a few pages, but I cannot. Why, because there's a lot more too anxious than a few pages. It's more of a few chapters kind of thing.

As I thinking about this, I am still wondering if I can trust you with my thoughts. I still don't know if this is a good idea, but I have to get this entire feeling out before it ruins me. I'm not even sure if this will help me in the end. It's worth a shot, right?

Maybe, my story will ever help someone else going through the same thing. I'm not going to know until I try, right?

Now, how do I start?

Do I jump right into my story?

Do I explain the actually feeling of anxiety?

I'm not sure which one would make sense first. I'm thinking telling my story and what started everything than analyzing the impact will be the best idea. Just because, it's easier to explain something after you show and tell the reader a sense of clarification for why I am the way I am.

I'm warning you and want you to know that my story is heartbreaking and not easy thing for me to write about. I may be crying as I try to remember every detail from the beginning to now. You obviously cannot see my tear, but I'm sure my emotions will come out in even all the words, sentences, paragraphs, and chapters.

By the end, I hope you have more of an understanding of Anxiety and myself. Are you ready to finally know my story? I think you're ready after all my questioning and doubts.

Well, here goes nothing.