Today I logged out of Instagram. I don't know for how long. Maybe forever. I hate Instagram to be honest. It's a bunch of mindless people scrolling and hitting share constantly. I don't want to be like that. I want to live my life without having to show it on a screen. I want to stop trying to build myself a community that I know will never work. I need to stop the disappointment.
People only talk about the good stuff with social media.
"It connects people all around the world."
"You can share the your story."
Positive this positive that. What about the negatives. What about me wanting to pour myself into these captions and every detail of my account but there is a wall between me and freedom.
Connection.
Ironic isn't it.
The connection to this big and beautiful online world in stopping me from being myself.
The wall of my family members being able to dm me in second and ask me about a photo I posted, a change in my bio, or a change in my profile name.
I find myself jealous of the people who can post what they want. I find myself crying because that's all I want. I want to be able to press share and be confident that what I'm posting is 110% me. It's not an online persona that a create to surround myself in a force field. To protect myself from the dms I get from family members. To protect myself from the questions.
The online world creates a wonderful place for some people. And hell in your pocket for others.
Even after publishing this, I will keep posting. So my family and friends don't worry. So I don't get text. Or calls. Or awkward conversations with my mom about how everyone if worried.
But every time I press share. The mask gets thicker. It gets harder to tell the mask from me.
Disconnection.
