enthusiast of many except myself

6/3/17

I'm sorry I don't know how to talk.
I'm sorry that whenever we're alone all you say is "I don't know what to talk about." I wish I knew how to talk. Then, maybe I could talk about the things that make me wonderful. I could talk about how you're so funny and honest and how I admire you. then maybe you would see that I can be a great companion. but, I don't know how to talk. I know how to solve pH equilibrium equations, yet I haven't yet cracked the code to the art of conversation. most of them are either one-sided or don't happen at all. my mind is one that never fails to do all the talking. with the constant reminders of "you're too quiet and when you speak they'll make you repeat yourself so many times you'll forget what you were saying and then you'll try and say it and you'll stutter and then you'll die a little inside because this happens every single day." but, hey, I shouldn't complain right ? because complaining means I'm ungrateful. and I am obviously grateful for the fact that I have no best friend, no one I 100% trust, right ? maybe I just wasn't supposed to have friends. maybe I'm meant to live a life like the The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I don't know how to talk, and because of that I'm not happy.
plain and simple

and one thing that everyone (and I truly mean everyone) tells me is "don't think about too much"

honey, if I could I wouldn't think about it at all

my mind is an endless swirl of self-doubt and fear that affects all relationships I have and have had

I beat myself up for not talking to him, yet I'm the one who psychs myself out

I say "why doesn't he talk to me?" yet I've never once tried to talk first

I wouldn't mind if my relationships were bad because it can happen to anybody.
but the fact that it's my own fault, the fact that I could have easily told my thoughts to go fuck themselves, that's why I hate myself.
that's why this year has been the year I've cried the most. I cried two days ago. I cried last month. this year, I've already cried seven times, that's at least once a month. how the hell am I supposed to just ignore that?
the funny thing is I started liking him in January, and that's when all these feelings and thoughts and realizations appeared.
what is it about him that brought out the worst in me?
I like him, I admire him, and I want him.
but is it worth all the late nights?
all the headaches and the tears?
I've never cried over a boy before and suddenly I'm crying once a month?
what the hell is wrong with me ?
Is this how all my future romantic relationships are gonna be?