Only You [l.ew] [On Hold]

Two Mistakes

[P.O.V: Jang Seul Bin]

It's all different pitches of the same tune, the same song playing over and over. That's all my day consists of, the same song sung on different notes. These notes, they're nothing like those of the song from years and years ago, no, this song...it's missing a chord. It's missing a chord that was so crucial to the one I cherish from my childhood, it's my chord. The one I play, the one I decided, the one I would flourish...it's gone.

It's vanished into the lost murmurs and glances that have all dissipated from the orchestra, the beautiful orchestra...I've lost my chords. Hell, I've lost the orchestra all together. It's not needing me anymore, they've replaced me with much better fills. These instruments can mean something more than my little addition, They've grown and changed, they've become more mature, they've stopped needing what other's casted aside.

The song feels empty to me, it feels unnatural, but I've grown to not let it irk me. It's nothing more than a few notes in concession, isn't it? That's all it is, just little nothings in a space of large everythings. It's not important when looking at the larger scale, a small quartet is nothing compared to the music as a whole. I can just sit in the audience, like I have been for years, just watching them play and create. Watching the melody mold away from the original sound.

The original-

"Lessons ended for the day," The lecturer spoke, the whole hall beginning to rustle their papers and zip their bags as I just stayed in my seat. The hard-wood, reddish-brown, uncomfortable as hell seat. I watched the front row chatter, the children that I grew up with, the ones I called my friends, the ones that moved on. I don't hold a grudge as I understand that we all grow out of our childhood items, so it's only natural that they grew out of me as well.

Their joyful notes hit the bridge of the song, the one that they had perfected two months ago when the newest addition joined. The one that they had finally put in my place, the one that gave the symphony that quiet and soft edge they were missing. It made it sound almost complete, eerily similar to the one I cherish, but not there yet. Ji Eun, that's the beautiful sound's name, Kim Ji Eun.

I don't know much about her other than what I see, which isn't as much as someone'ld expect. She seems to be an intellectual, bright individual...but she also seems to be one to 'mess around'. Her constant gazes to those of both male and females alike aren't those of the innocent child she plays herself to be, the one's she gets back only further my views. Starving cubs, that's how to describe the way they look to her, like wild animals that haven't been fed in weeks, months even.

I haven't been able to spot her with one person wrapped around her waist, it always seems to be multiple. They're attached to her like she's their life source, their one way of continuing to thrive and survive. It's pathetic, really, it's almost repulsive. She's not a vital organ, you've lived years and years without her, so why do you need her so bad now?

Perhaps I just don't understand the teenage, hormonal mindset like I thought I had...well, that's a true statement. I don't understand, that is why I choose to watch. If I watch, I can educate myself and bring myself to live to the standards that are expected of me. Though, that meant for me to lose everything I held on to...everything, everything is gone.

I stand from the chair, pulling my bag over my shoulder, and step silently down the bustling stairway from the highest student-desks. No one touched me, no one moved aside, no one broke conversation, just as I knew they would. Invisibility is the power many wish to acquire, but when equipped it can hurt just as much as being seen if you let it.

All I expected was a small bump from the corner desk, like everyday, as I cut the corner too quick to avoid the group of chattering front-rowers, but it didn't come. The desk moved the second I stepped down the final step, as if someone had taken notice of it's harmful position and fixed it. My mind went blank as the structure of my routine shattered before my eyes, everything felt off...wrong even.

My eyes head towards the direction the desk was tugged in, only to be caught on the wavelength of a brown haired boy. The seemed to soften slightly at the eye-contact, but I broke it as soon as it started, continuing on my path out of the lecture hall. I didn't hear his usual voice kicking back at some stupid line his friend spits everyday about how 'lectures are like fairy-tales, in which they both drag-on'.

I push the moment as far back in my mind as possible, continuing to move forward through the rippling waves of people engulfing the space with their laughter and loud calls to each other. All that concerned me was getting to the double glass-paned doors that lead to the outside world. That's where I can still feel the presence of my old chords, where no one else could have the chance to hear them if they were to be listening.

When I exit the building, that's when the orchestra disappears and it's just a small solo. A small solo played for no one but myself, by myself. It's not as lonely as it sounds, it fills the silence and the empty thoughts, it's almost keeping my sanity intact. When I say that, I mean that it's keeping me together, keeping my head from hitting the gravel, keeping me alive. I need the solo, I need it.

The sun hits my body, to which is clad in uniform, and warmth flows through the previously chilled system of organs and muscle. The previous giggles and words all muffled by the door swinging shut lightly, my feet moving away from it slowly and steadily. Though, they stop when something caught my attention, "Seul...Bin? Is that your name?"

I turn my head to the voice, seeing the brown-haired boy standing on the front steps with the glass-paned door swinging softly shut behind him. His uniform tie undone and his bag over his left shoulder, his eyes seemingly the same softness they were in the lecture hall. I simply blink at him, having grown so used to not speaking to anyone that when I was addressed, I shut down.

"Guan Lin said that was your name, maybe he was just joking around," He chuckled nervously, ruffling his hair with his right hand. He seemed nervous, constantly avoiding looking directly at me and when his eyes do meet mine, they snap away as if he did it on accident, "I-I'm sorry for disturbing you...I'll be off n-"

"It is," I speak quietly, causing him to look up from his shoes. He showed signs of relief and confusion at the same time, as if he wasn't understanding, but he understood entirely. I nod my head slightly, continuing to speak to another human after, what felt like, ages, "Seul Bin, that's my name."

He smiled slightly, opening his mouth to speak before the doors swung open behind him and an arm got thrown around his shoulder by a giggling Lee Dae Hwi and a Lai Guan Lin following close behind. Dae Hwi didn't even look in my direction though Guan Lin sent me a single glance before turning his attention to the other two boys. I took that as my cue and left through the black-rusted metal gates, heading towards my home.

My feet took me down the familiar path, my mind beginning to pick up with thoughts once more. I made two mistakes today, I can tell right now that they shouldn't have happened. My first mistake was acknowledging the desk being moved, the second was speaking to Lee Eui Woong.