The Road Less Traveled

Day One

Song: Destination by Imagine Dragons

"These are the days of love and life, these are our expectations, we stay up late to live tonight, this is our destination."

Noelle

-9 months ago-

Day two of the loony bin, and with every waking moment I sit on this white sheeted uncomfortable bed is one more moment that I feel like I don't belong here. I am not crazy. I am not mental. And I, for sure, am at no risk of hurting anyone. So why am I here at the North Carolina psychiatric care facility you ask? I find myself asking the same question.

I feel abandoned. Betrayed. Unloved. And so, so alone.

I feel so many things and yet I feel nothing at all. Now whether that is due to the drugs they have been supplying to me or not, I'm not completely sure. But, surprisingly, it feels nice to feel nothing at all.

It's a relief. A burden lifted from my shoulders. However, a small percentage of my being wants to feel. It wants to feel everything, and it wants to feel everything deeply, but rather than submit to the instinct of pain and sadness, I let the medication do it's job and I deteriorate into a light slumber. I let my mind escape from the confusion and frustration, and finally... I am relaxed.

When I wake I look to my left and a small plastic cup of water sits beside three small pills. One blue, one white, and one a soft peach color. Though I don't know what they all do or what they are for, I pop all three into my mouth and take a sip of the water. After a few short minutes, I feel them start to work inside of me, making me feel nothing, once again. A never ending mess of chemicals coursing through my veins in a pathetic attempt to make me better.

But the real question is, what was so wrong with me in the first place?

-Today-

I remember feeling nothing. Ironically, I remember exactly how feeling nothing felt. And I definitely do not have that euphoria at this point. I keep debating on whether this whole preposterous plan will actually succeed and whether it will be worth it all in the end. But I suppose for now I'm letting oblivion take over my mind and simply enjoy the ride.

I turn on my right blinker and stop at the stop sign, waiting a few extra seconds trying to decide if this is reality or just one of my daydreams. I have been planning this for months, and here I am actually doing it, hoping it all works exactly as planned. But everyone knows that going according to plan is impossible and rather overrated.

"Well, are you going to turn or what?" Asher laughs.

I look over at him and slightly smile, "Just giving you one more chance to tell me to turn around and go back. I'm surprised you've made it this far."

He furrows his eyebrows and looks back down at his lap, fiddling with his thumbs.

The awkward tension in the car has been hanging over us like a dark cloud since the minute we both buckled our seat belts. I sigh, press the gas and glide out of the neighborhood, leaving everything behind.

"So," he speaks up, "What's our destination on this little adventure?"

I smirk slightly and open the sunroof and take one hand off of the steering wheel and place it up into the wind, "No idea."

"Wait, you don't know where you're going?"

I shrug, "Nope."

"Noelle! You never told me that! Turn around! I can't do this. I can't just leave." He shouts. My heart drops. "God what was I thinking," he mumbles, running his hands through his messy brown hair.