The Road Less Traveled

Day Five

Song: Just One Day by Mighty Oaks

"It's a big old world we live in now, and how mighty it can be. And all this time I pictured you standing next to me, so we could go find things we've never seen." 

Noelle

"Now, Noelle, I want you to think of something that makes you happy. You don't have to say it outloud, just think of it and keep it in mind, k?" 

I sit and think as Barbara, the hired psychiatrist at the North Carolina Psychiatric Care Facility, twiddles with her pen. I gnaw at the inside of my cheek and my thoughts are frantic. 

Happy, huh? Something that makes me happy? It's sickening that I can't think of one thing off the top of my head. Candy? No, I'm not a child on Halloween, that's not important enough. Boys? Gosh I wish I could find one that made me happy. My family? Yeah, but not in this moment, so no. I sigh loudly.

"Got it?" She asks. 

I shake my head no and shrug my shoulders. 

"Okay, no rush." She smiles. 

I furrow my eyebrows. Then a smile creeps onto my lips as I think of the beach. The beach makes me happy.

So I look up to Barbara and I nod. 

"You've got it? Great. Okay now hold onto that. Think about what you like about it. What about it makes you so happy?" She scribbles something on her paper. 

I close my eyes and let my mind take me to the beach. The feeling of the warm sand squishing through my toes. The way my skin gets tight when its covered in salty water and the small sting of the sun burning my shoulders. Diving under a wave to avoid being crushed by it. The soft breeze that dries the tips of my hair. Searching for seashells in the tidepools. Running to the beach after dinner to shine the flashlights for the freshly hatched sea turtles. All of it. 

"Okay, you got that now?" 

I nod again. 

She smiles, "Great. So think about what makes you happy about it and see if you can compare it to aspects of your life. Try to make parallels." 

Nothing. Nothing compares to a beach, especially not my life. So I shake my head. "I can't." I say. The first words I have ever spoken aloud to Barbara. Usually our sessions are a series of nods and shoulder shrugs, and although I couldn't complete her exercise, she still lights up like a child seeing snow on Christmas morning. 

"I think we have made great progress today, Noelle." She glances at her wrist watch, "Well, it looks like our time is up. Have a great day, and keep thinking about those parallels, okay? See you Thursday." 

I stand up, smile and nod at her, and make my way back to my room. 

When I sit onto my bed, three small pills await me on my nightstand, so popping all three in my mouth, I take a sip of water and lay down to sleep. 

I dream about the beach. 

---

The sand is so warm under my feet that it almost burns. I shuffle my toes a little bit so that my feet are completely buried underneath the heated grains.

Asher and I made it to Houston last night, but this morning we decided to drive another hour to the beach in Galveston, Texas. We saw some brochure about the beaches here in the hotel we stayed in last night, and I missed the beach, so here we are.