The Unstable Mix

One. Of Smiles and Disguise

Hello! My name is Red. And this is the rest of my story.

I'm on my third year of college, one more year and a few backtracking of my failed subjects, I would be graduating. But this isn't about the struggles of my studies. This is about my struggle to find a reason. A reason that would make me smile again in the middle of a hot day. A reason that would make me believe that the morning traffic is not an inconvenience. A reason that would make me keep striving to be the best that I can be.

Lately, I have found no reason to smile. Don't get me wrong, I show my crooked teeth every once in a while. Posing for selfie photos with college friends, even random strangers. And recently, Lucas has found a passion to photobomb everything. He is basically in every photo out there. He even nicknamed himself the no.1 photobomber in our school. But even that, was not enough to make me smile, the way I am used to. Luckily, nobody has noticed that. Though there's an occasional "What's wrong Red?", I simply give out a lame excuse like my tummy hurts or I am having a migraine attack or something. All to keep the people around me focus on the other things and not me.

For the first month of losing Tam, every amount of attention was on me. My friends would treat me to the best restaurants, they also take me to different concerts and they even brought me to comedy clubs. Though I only pretended to laugh. I feel sorry for myself that I couldn't really get over the loss. And every time I think of it, I get teary eyed.

So here I am, celebrating my birthday. Sitting on the rooftop of our college building. It was already dark and most students already went home, only professors who are working overtime are left in the building. The stars are beginning to show, a reminder of even more painful memories of what could have been.

"Are you looking down on me Tam?"

"Are you ever going to make your presence felt?"

"Even for just a while."

Suddenly I hear footsteps, I assumed it's the roving guard, so I hunkered behind one of the buildings' air vents. Luckily, nobody saw me. I know I'll get caught eventually, but I do not care anymore. I stood up and looked at the stars again.

"Do you wish me a happy birthday Tam?"

"I heard Bryce is now with your Aunt Sally. Have you heard about him being adopted? It seemed like the perfect home for him. I really hope he grows up as smart as you are."

I went to the edge of the rooftop and leaned over the railings. I looked down on what was a 5 story drop. I went over the railings, looked across the horizon and just felt the air brushing around my face. I wasn't scared of falling. I have done this a couple of times before. I was just there standing, closed my eyes and just spread my arms as if I'm ready to fly. The only thing holding me close to the railings is the strong wind.

Suddenly, my cellphone beeped. It was Ron.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"I'm with Lucas, I'll be there in a minute". I replied

Then I turned my phone off.

These couple of months have changed me. I kept myself very busy with school work and trying to keep people to not worry about me. That has been my job over the past few months. My mom did her best to try not to remind me of what has happened. He moved me to her room, and she went in mine. She told me it's permanent since she needed less space. I don't know if that is even a valid reason but I know what she is doing. My brother is also trying to be helpful. He brings me food from different restaurants whenever he has the money. My friends have been really supportive. Ron has visited me every day for the first week, then every two days for the next two, then every week from the fourth and so on. Mike also treats us to Lilly's whenever he has the time. And since Mark has already transferred to another college, Lucas has paid more attention in treating me as his sidekick. I really owe it to my friends, that's why even though I have thoughts of committing suicide. I never follow through with them, I just can't bare people worrying about me. So I have to get better, or pretend that I am.

I realize that me being late for my birthday celebration doesn't help. It's time to go back to reality, so I went back over the railing. Suddenly, I hear footsteps again. This time it's from behind me and when I looked back...

It was Tam.

"Tam?" I cried.

But she doesn't reply. She looks at me and seems to acknowledge my presence. For a few seconds, she was just standing there looking at me. After a while, she turned and walked slowly towards the railings, looked over the horizon, leaned forward and fell...

Before I could process what has happened, someone grabbed me from behind. It was a security guard. He was speaking to me, I can tell from the way he moved his mouth. He is quite worried, and possibly pissed. But I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't hear him. And that's the last thing I remembered. I fainted.