Things I wish I said

The beginning of the end

'I don't need you.'
That's all I can think about.
Why didn't I just say it?
Am I weak? Or hopeful?
Both probably.

We'll never talk again, and he left thinking that I need him. Thinking that I'm desperate for him. Probably feeling so good about himself. But what can I say? It's my fault.
I practically told him that I need him.

Stupid.
What was I even thinking?
I should've learned by now that people don't change.

There's so much left I want to say.
'I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry for thinking you were someone you're clearly not. I'm sorry for thinking you were better than you actually are.
I'm sorry for giving you another chance.'
Sounds over dramatic doesn't it?
It probably is.
But you don't understand. Or maybe you do.
Who am I to judge?
And maybe, just maybe, you think you understand.
He said he understands my pain. But he doesn't.
Not until he has gone through exactly the same thing.
And if he really understood, He wouldn't have done it again.

And she isn't any better. I could've said 'No. You already had a chance. This can't be fixed. Not again.'
But here I am giving away to my weakness yet again. Thinking this time will be different.
She was my best friend. The person I sacrificed everything for.
But I guess you can only really trust in yourself.

I should probably start from the beginning.
You know how the story starts with everything being bad and building up to be great?
Well, not here.
Because in my beginning, this beginning, I was so incredibly happy.
And now?
I can't remember what happiness feels like anymore.