dishonesty // egobang

7. dishonesty

i couldn't wait to post this tomorrow

"the big three zero, how's it feel to be old?" arin punched dan's shoulder as he looked down at the homemade cake arin had made sat. he scoffed.

"i'm not old. i'm just..." dan trailed off. arin laughed.

"older than me?" dan smiled guiltily and sighed, cutting his gaze to arin's expecting eyes.

"yeah. i mean, you can drink legally now. i've been able to for ages."

"that was a year ago, danny. now come on, cut a slice and taste it! it took me like, three years to make so you better appreciate this." dan picked up the fork on the table and dug into the top while arin held his hand out, about to advise dan to use a plate and knife.

"amazing, buddy. tastes awesome. thank you for going through the trouble to make this."

"dude, it's no problem." dan went silent for a while before arin spoke up again.

"is that all you're gonna eat?" dan shrugged and migrated to their couch.

"yeah. i'll have some later." arin sat down next to him with a concerned look.

"are you okay? you haven't been eating or talking to me a lot lately. you going through some stuff?" dan shrugged again.

"i'm fine. i just need to, uh," dan loosened the collar of his shirt. "i need to step outside for a second. get some fresh air." dan stood up and stepped out into the unusually cold march air. he sat on the porch of the apartment they shared. the moonlight shone on the frames of his glasses, which he hardly ever wore.

since arin's father kicked him out, dan, despite not having a place of his own, decided it was best to buy an apartment in california until they could find permanent jobs where they could get a steady income.

arin worked as an animator and the most he was paid was a measly ten dollars for some odd drawings. dan was popping in and out of fast food chains like mcdonald's and chick-fil-a, also unable to keep a steady income. but somehow, they pulled through and barely paid rent each month and bought groceries with the leftovers.

now, dan was in between jobs and they'd been behind on this month's rent and arin was working on a mini-cartoon that was bound to get him more money that normal.

"why didn't you wear a jacket?" came arin's voice from the doorway. he stepped outside in bare feet and basketball shorts. a blanket was wrapped around his shoulders. dan looked up at him and shook his head.

"i needed to think. spontaneously." arin shut the door and sat down on the concrete beside dan and wrapped the blanket around them both. arin leaned on dan's shoulder.

"you know you can talk to me, right?" dan nodded.

"i don't want to burden you. i've got shit wrong with me nobody can fix."

"don't say that. you're perfectly fine."

"no, i'm not." dan spoke in a hushed but hurried whisper. "you know when i disappeared yesterday?"

"yeah?" dan pulled the blanket further down so it covered his chest and arms.

"i went to the doctor with this funk that i've got and he diagnosed me with uh... with depression." arin didn't respond.

"arin? you still there?" dan felt arin's arm wrap around his midsection and pull him closer to his body.

"i knew you were mopey but i didn't know it was depression. i thought you were just going through stuff."

"well, yeah. he gave me happy pills. i think he called them lithium carbonate. but you know what?" arin was hesitant to answer.

"what?"

"that's not gonna fix me either." arin heard the pain in dan's voice. "no matter how much medicine they pump into me and force down my throat, it won't fix me." dan cried. he'd never cried in front of arin. over the phone, yeah, but not in person.

"you aren't broken."

"yes i am, arin. i'm broken. i'm broken and i'm past the point of being able to be fixed."

"stop saying that, please."

"i'm telling the truth."

"stop." arin spoke with authority, yet his voice was small and worried underneath. silent tears ran down dan's cheeks and fell into arin's hair. he stared up at the moon.

"i'm sorry."

"don't say you're sorry. it's not your fault and you know it." dan shook his head.

"hey arin?"

"yes?"

"do you know how proud i am of you?" arin chuckled softly.

"yes, daniel, you tell me as much as humanly possible."

"no, but really. i'm proud of you for pursuing what you love, i'm proud of you for embracing your femininity, i'm proud of you for standing up for yourself with jon, i'm just so damn proud of you."

november 29th, 2007

the air was tense and stuffy. you could the tension with a dull knife, even. leaving at the very moment could lead to too many ignored calls and unanswered texts. late rents, no food in the fridge, too many things could happen.

"maybe if you didn't dress like you were going on a date with a dude you'd have a girlfriend instead of a bunch of female friends!" jon shouted, shoving arin against the wall. arin shoved him back.

"you chose me, and i expected you to accept me for who i was, femininity and all!" jon sighed impatiently.

"that was when i actually gave a shit about you, arin."

"do you not care about me anymore?!" arin felt like he needed to punch something. jon shook his head.

"you don't make me happy anymore."

he was going to throw up. he knew he would. arin clenched his jaw to avoid letting the tears sitting in his eyes fall. he wasn't going to show weakness, the only thing he was about to show was anger.

"i go," arin's voice was low, and it was close to rattling jon's chest. "and work my ass off every, single, damn day so we can have this shitty apartment, and for what? not making you happy?"

"you shouldn't expect a thank you." arin glared up at jon and clenched his shaking fists, ready to throw a punch.

"i shouldn't, but i do. from you, it'd mean a lot since you're never grateful for anything i do for you." arin pushed past jon to the front door and opened it before turning to face him with a single tear running down his face.

"that's all there is to it?" jon asked, not making eye contact.

"that's all there is to it. if you aren't going to fight for us, i won't either." arin couldn't leave, but his body was telling him to. "i always thought i'd take your last name."

"i did too." he sighed.

"goodbye, jon." with that, arin left.