My philosophy, not yours.

The beginning

I wish I could start from the very beginning but that is easier said than done, so I will start at an age we can all relate to. I was ten years old, I felt like I had to be like all the other kids so I did what they did, only problem is I couldn't. I remember that I tried all sorts of ways to get people to notice me, because of my narcissistic nature I fell into a deep depression when my attempts got completely rejected. It was not until I turned fourteen years old that I realised I have a certain talent for logical thinking so I pursued my dreams of learning to play the guitar. My father gave me one hundred dollars for christmas the year of 2013 and so I casually went into a nearby music shop and picked up the first best guitar I could find which happened to be one of the best for my budget. I had no past experience with playing an instrument and I had not yet developed a personal taste in music. All I knew was that I had to learn, no matter what. I started out like any other, I stroke my hand down the strings and gripped my first fret and after about a year I had it thanks to the internet. During this time my taste in music evolved but so did my disorders that I had been carrying with me since a young age, hallucinations and paranoia would become a part of my daily routine and my mother finally, after many years tried to reach out to me after I had participated at a lot of parties including drugs, alchohol and criminal activities. She gave me a different point of view, my mother always knew I had been very narcissistic and believe me, it is not something I am ashamed of, I feel very bad for people who can't be selfish in a natural way. Anyhow, for those familiar with narcissistic behaviour it will not come to as a surprise that most of us develope a deep bond to our mothers, specifically. My mother at the time would start to develop incredibly depressive feelings and her mojo was literally like a dying plant. Spountanously I, who had never been entirely interested in succeeding or being a good person started doing everything in my power to come by as a good person. A person I never thought actully existed inside of me, I would always fail in school, I would never clean my room and I was always incredibly tired and sad. Now all of a sudden I was obsessed with cleaning, like my mother had been, I felt the need to study biology and constantly take care of my hygiene, like my mother always did and it was not until recently I realised that everything I have done so far has been what my mother did. At this time I developed a very brief racism and I can't say it was for the best but I simply could not stand what we do to our country, I live in Sweden and let me tell you this, feminism and immigration is a great thing, until you make it a thing. I was never entirely interested in dating because I could find anyone who would live up to my so called standards but when I did, my narcissistic, perfectionist side would take over and completely spoil everything. What about social media, you ask? Well, it has had its up and downs but mostly I had never been interested in social media, it was mostly a natural thing for everyone to have social media and so did I, mostly because my therapist at the time told me it is very important to fit in and yes, at a certain point it is but my philosophy is now completely based upon one thing and one thing only, be yourself, but be the best version of yourself. "What if my best version is a pedophilic rapist?" you ask. Well it is not, I might be harsch on this point but the best version of you is a balanced version of yourself with the outer world, what they can't see is what you believe and what they can see is what you have to show. May sound complicated but I will use myself as an example. I am very pursued by murder, blood and the thought of murdering someone has always been a very happy thought of mine but obviously, I can't talk to anyone about this. I show it mostly to myself, sometimes to the one and only I trust but for most of the time I simply just shut it down an enjoy it by myself. But if you can find a way to channel your interests into movies for example you come by as a more normal individual. "Hello, I like to murder people" or "Hello, I like the series Dexter". Big difference but the only real one is that if you watch dexter, you either enjoy watching someone murder a person, or you would like to do it yourself. This was a simple introduction of me and my life, for the next chapter I will talk about some normal misconceptions about the psychology of humans, that are a part of my philosophy, not yours.