Spring Day

yoongi

❝but now I'll erase you

because that will hurt less than resenting you❞

*******

"are you sure this is fine?" namjoon said after a long silence. he kept his voice flat, but yoongi could feel worry and confusion in his tone.

"was it that bad?" yoongi laughed, he brought his lyrics to his face and read it once again, "i tried to keep it raw, but probab-"

"you know it's not because it's bad."

they just stared at each other for what felt like a long time, waiting for one of them to finish their own sentences, before yoongi finally sighed and said,

"yeah it's fine," yoongi gazed at his lyrics, "i always wanted to put these emotions into songs, and my mixtape seems like the right place to do so."

yoongi could feel namjoon's stare at him, and he couldn't help but feel nervous.

it's been a long time since he ever felt something similar to the emotions he just wrote on his lyrics note, he was so sure then, but now...

"i need this, joon," yoongi remembered how hard it was to come up and cope with his emotions, and he couldn't back off now. "i need to remove this emotion from me. it's my way to erase them."

when he said 'them', he was refering to the evil within him, the one that always waited for a chance to attack.

when he said 'them', he was refering to every battles inside of him, that seemed to occur everytime he let his guard down, left him with only scars and pain.

when he said 'them' he was refering to his weak and vulnerable self that broke down at every turn he took, covered himself with guilt and pressure. the one who always chose to run away from everything.

"you know I always believe in you, right, hyung?"

it's a statement, not a question, but yoongi answered them anyway.

"i'm afraid, actually," he admitted.

namjoon nodded. "i know. you're afraid because you're about to do something really brave."

that was overpraising, yoongi thought, because he wasn't brave enough to deal with them anymore, so he pushed them away. he wasn't brave enough to erase those memories, and he definitely was not brave enough to resent the bad things that happened to him.

he's just choosing the one that would really hurt him less, and that just showed how weak he really is.