the flowers; h.s.

day one hundred and nineteen

I can't tell you that the thought of seeing him again didn't scare the crap out of me because it did, so much. I stayed up all night thinking of the possibilities that could play out, from the negative to the positive, from the sane to the insane.

I miss him so much. There is an ache in my heart that can only be healed by his presence, but I can't say that I fully trust him again.

I did break up with him for my own good, but I also did it because he just up and left for days without giving me a proper goodbye. It's crazy, really. I was so used to watching him go day after day, knowing that he was going to return later on. But there was something different about this particular time. He didn't warn me, he just left.

I know that I should no longer dwell on the past because I see things differently now than I did then, but my distrust in him still lingers, even months after our break up.

All I know is that I will see him tonight. I have to. Because I still love him, and probably always will, and I can't stand to think that he is currently feeling the way that I did when he was gone. It's stupid, I know. Shouldn't I be wishing that exact thing upon him? I don't know, but it hurts me to know that he's hurting.