the flowers; h.s.

day forty-one

I'm still counting down the days like he had never returned and broke my already broken heart. It's been forty-one days without him. And the days are only getting longer as I fully commit myself to this life without him.

I can't say that I saw this coming because, while I was a little angry at him, I was never this angry. I didn't even know that those words were sitting in my chest like they were when I let them out. It felt like ten bricks were lifted off of me as I spoke each of the harsh words to the boy that I loved.

But I made my choice, and he is gone because of it. I can't go back and apologize because everything that I said was true. I can't bear to look at him because it only reminds me of the days that I was forced to live without him. And while I miss him with my whole entire aching heart, I know that what he did was unforgivable. He shouldn't have left me like he did, like I didn't matter whatsoever.

Because his words yesterday completely contradicted his actions. His actions showed me that he didn't care and that he wanted me gone. But his words, including those in the letter and on the flowers, told me that he did care and he really did just need one more adventure before he was constricted to a life in a small town.

Maybe I made a mistake.

Or maybe I just don't want to let go.