Joyful Sadness

Streams of Conciousness

Mind running a marathon. Thoughts clashing. Panting. Running out of breath. Vision becoming more and more blurry. Possibilities and conclusions jumping from out of nowhere. I don't know what you would call it. It's either panic attacks, breakdowns or anxiety attacks. I like to describe it as terrifying and inescapable at times. This is something I experience every other day. Why? I have no clue. I guess it's just something dealing with my anxiety and overthinking.

People tell me to stop. I want to. I really do. Sometimes, the devil just wants you to think evil, do evil and accept evil. I pray. I do. It then stops. The Lord Jesus really has got my back. In the bible, it says that the devil will give you fear, evil thoughts, and it wants you to think that the Lord doesn't know what He is doing. It wants you to cry, be in pain, and it wants you to forget the power and love of the Lord. I pray to the Lord for strength and he grants it. I will remain strong for my Lord and will not give in. I'm working on it. I am.

In the night, I lay down. Not doing anything. Just staring up the ceiling. Arms on my stomach and crossed. Pillow by my side. Thoughts once again are all over the place. Thinking about the following day that's approaching. Losing track of time. I pray at the end of the day and basically whenever I really can. The Lord enlightens my mind and heart for these moments. I close my eyes and enter my perfect world of no worries. I imagine things that are impossible and there it happened. Everything I want is there. I open my eyes. It's the following morning.

School is a whole other story. I walk in school grounds. Silent. Looking around at everyone else. I have no hate on anybody. People just have energy in the morning when I don't. I understand. I just stay humble and calm. I go through the day. Work : piled. Tests : piled. Homework : piled. Counting the hours left of school. Wanting to get home. I plan my homework. I get home. Tired. Grateful that I went through the day successfully. I do my routine but I guess you don't need to know that. There's more I would like to expand on but that's unnecessary. Let's just get on to my feelings.

Home is my place. I live there. Well, of course I do. Why wouldn't I? I'm pretty thankful for my life. My parents. My sister. Their works. The roof over our heads. The food on our table. The clothes on our bodies. As well as all the other necessities and items that we are in possession of. The Lord has blessed me with many things and there is really nothing to be sad about. I know that. I just can't help, at times, thinking about all of the work I have to do. I wouldn't call it lazy because I get it done with all that I've got and all the time I have. That's the problem. Everyone points out that I shouldn't take things, or responsibilities I should say, so seriously. I think to and get angry at myself because of this. I know I should do only what I can do because this is my body. This is my life. I can't spend it doing work and stressing myself with unnecessary thoughts.

I guess it's because I'm afraid to fail, but in actuality I shouldn't be. I should be ready to fail because perfect is overrated, right? Failing is pretty normal. All the successful persons in this world most likely failed a million times. Well, that's a bit exaggerated but you know what I mean. What I'm trying to say is, I shouldn't always be scared to fail. I should embrace failure more than I already do. I always tell myself that it's a chance to learn and grow. That's what everybody should think.

I guess it's just pressure. I really don't know. I'm having a really hard time explaining this. In other words, here is what I'm feeling in an imagination type thing. It's like my brain has a few printers. One being the one that prints ideas. One prints memories. One prints future events. Another prints the memory of certain people. One prints food cravings or something. All of the printers in the brain works and prints in a split second. Then there is one major printer. The BOSS PRINTER. This is the one that prints all the good and positive thoughts. To explain my unexpected anxiety and depression, this is how it is. That same printer that prints ALL positivity...stops. You know how there is a paper jam and the paper gets eaten and crunched by the printer? Then someone has to open the printer and get the wasted, scrunched up paper and try make it print again? That's exactly what happens. The, let's call it the "Positivity Printer" for now, stops printing. Paper jam happens. It's not working. I then have to try to take it out by praying and taking out the negativity. The main cause of the paper jam is the devil. It's attacking me to take me away from my faith and happiness in the lord. I ask for help from the Lord. He helps. A few moments later, papers out and printer works again. I don't know if it made anything simpler for others to understand but that's about it.

I don't know if I'll make a Part Two of this but this is all I have to say for now. People have their doubts, worries and sadness. People have different problems and experiences. There's joy hidden in all of this. Sometimes, you just have to find it within the sadness. I just wanted to share a few parts of mine. Thanks for reading. Until next time I have something to share.
- Baffled, Miserable, yet Joyous and Juvenile Girl