Punk Rock - h.s au

IV - Isabelle

IV - Isabelle

I sometimes get this feeling, like my mind is trying to block out something I need to know, need to remember. A feeling so deep inside of me, it's taking over me, starting from the inside and working it's way out until the day I'll be so paranoid about whatever it is, I'll give up, give up on everything again. Let it all take over, the paranoia, I mean. My doctor worries. She thinks it runs in the family and I'm no longer talking about the paranoia, I'm speaking of the disorder. That stupid disorder that's taken over my grandmother, father and possibly me. The thing that causes all the delusions, lack of real emotion and of course the paranoia. The stupid disorder that causes my seperate emotions.

That damned schizophrenia.

"Isabelle!" My mother knocks on my locked door "Is everything okay in there? Your door is-"

"Locked, I know." I cut her off "But yeah, I'm fine. Just tired." I say but in reality, I'm going out of mind, absolutely crazy. Dying to know this missing puzzle piece in my life.

My mother doesn't push the subject any further as her Dior heels clip against the marble flooring in the hall just outside my room. I sigh and begin sprawling random doodles in my notebook which should be filled with English and Math but is instead covered in scribbled stars and crappy hearts, with the occasional line of lyrics.

Deciding it'd be best if I cleared my mind and bathed, I strip from my skirt, blouse and tights. I grab a fresh towel and enter the bathroom before filling the bath with water and bubble soap.

I sit beside the tub and think.. Think of that missing part of my life. It's really bugging me, I just can't stop thinking about it. It can't be a boyfriend as I know I'm not ready and I could quite easily get one, maybe one of the boys from the country club, maybe Aaron- 'Getting off topic Isabelle.' Oh no, the voices are back, I'm going insane already and I've barely had this ache, this longing, pure desire for something unknown, a couple months at most. This isn't fair, I'm completely losing it over something I can't explain. Why has it resorted to this? This insanity...

Undressing myself further I seat myself in the bath tub, I watch as it all washes from me. The fakeness I put on for my mother, the calmness for my father, gratefulness for my grandparents and other relatives, the politeness for guests and friends, the smile I fake for the world. I stare as it all washes off of me, I see it, I see the lies drip from my skin, I see everything that I am swirl around in the water leaving me bare and emotionless. Something my parents would not approve of.

My mother and father, they tell me who to be and who not to be, how to act and how not to. They want me to be the rich, uptight girl that I certainly am not but should be but why aren't I? Why can't I be the girl I was months ago? The happy, posh girl who attended tea parties and social gatherings. Went on outings with my friends and blushed when a boy look my way. That just isn't me anymore. Reality has hit me and has hit me hard. 

I want to be like them. Not the snobs at the country club, the other people, the normal people, those neither above poverty nor below it, those who can be themselves and not care if they're judged, can dress and act how they want without their parents consent. Freedom isn't what I want. 

What I want is adventure and I plan on getting it.

Stepping out the bath, I dry myself off and change into light blue jeans and a elegant, cream knitted sweater. I also wear a pair of UGG boots and dry and style my hair. 

"I'm going out!" I yell to whoever is listening.

"No, you're not" My mother appears "It's past seven and dark. You're staying in." 

"I know you care and all but... Bye" I quickly say before racing out of the front door.

I make my way down our path which is currently having snow swept from it, pointless really, it's just going to snow heavier. I walk out of the tall, metal gates that mark the perimeter of the house and enter the white streets.

The bitter cold air whips around me, it's not strong- barely noticable actually but it's very cold and I'm beginning to wish I bought a hat and gloves. I sigh as I watch my boots crunch into the snow, could it be possible? Everything that's running through my mind, could it all be possible?

Could I really be shutting out vital information? It's probably something exciting, I'm not used to things like that, probably why I'm shutting it out, it's meant to be an impossible thought but it's making me ever so paranoid. I used to get excited easily, say if I was invited to a small gathering, I'd be overwhelmed with happiness and skipping to the best dress shop in town. That just isn't me anymore and it's because I'm shutting something out but what? What am I shutting out? It has to be important if it's getting me this worked up, right?

Laughing a little at how much this is all getting to me, I enter a street I've never before been down. Great, it's my first time wherever I am and people probably already think I'm crazy.

My thoughts are cut short when I hit something and tumble to the ground with a high pitched squeal.

___

SO, IT HAS BEGUN OFFICIALLY :D yay? or nay? I don't know, do you like this? 

P.S. THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER WHERE IT'S LIKE THE SAME TIME ZONE BUT DIFFERENT POV IF THAT MAKES SNESE?