Do You Know What It's Like To Feel So In The Dark?

"Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark? To dream about a life where you're the shining star? And even though it seems like it's too far away I've got to believe in myself it's the only way. THIS IS REAL. THIS IS ME. I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be now gotta let the light shine on me. NOW I'VE FOUND WHO I AM. There's no way to hold it in. No more hiding who I'm meant to be. THIS IS ME."

I always started my blogs with song lyrics about my day, and today the song from Camp Rock no matter how cliche and childish it was seemed to fit the way I was feeling best today. I had started my blog a year ago when I was suffering from mild depression and anxiety. I spent many years of school anxious of whether my friends really cared about me or not. There was many time I wondered if they were my friends only because they pitied me. That weird girl has no friends, so lets be her friend so she's not so lonely. As if it wasn't enough that I doubted my friends, the bullies made my school life hell. I was in a constant state of hoping my friends would stick around through the strangeness and craziness, and yet at the same time I had people whispering behind my back or telling me to my face they very things I feared the most. Sometimes I even had friends turn on me for the sake that they never cared and I was their charity case.

 "Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark?" Do you know what it's like to feel like your friends aren't really your friends that they're only there because you have no other friends? Do you know how dark it feels to feel like that? Do you know how hard it is to trust people when you're me?  "To dream about a life where you're the shining star?" Who doesn't want to be the shining star? Who doesn't want to feel loved and cared about? Who wants to feel like their fading into the background of their own story? I wanted to be the forefront of my own story now and the only way that was happening was if I started my own way forward. If I set my own goals and reached them. I would need to in order to be the girl I wanted to be. To have the life I wanted to live. "And even though it seems like it's too far away I've got to believe in myself it's the only way" Like I said only I could fix my life. Only I could accomplish the goals I set for myself. I'm the only one who could turn my life around to what I most wanted it to be. I'm the only one who could give myself the fresh start, the do-over, I need most in the next steps of my future life. "This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now." Isn't it funny how when we finally realize we're doing what we were meant to be doing everything just seems to fall into place. We are real everything is finally real. We are the us we are supposed to be no more masks or fake ideas or lies. we are who we are supposed to be exactly where we're supposed to be. "Gotta let the light shine on me, now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in" You've got to shine your own spotlight no one can pull you from oblivion but yourself. You've got to be you're own spotlight and once you've found yourself don't ever hold it back because that is when you give in to what's wrong about society. "No more hiding who I want to be. This is me." Once you're comfortable in your own shell never go back and hide behind it. Never go back and hide behind something that doesn't feel like you or makes you uncomfortable the whole reason you are who you are is to be you. Don't ever forget that it's important Don't hide for fear of non-acceptance or rejection. That's the surest way to slip into the worst of places. Instead embrace who you are and love yourself. That is they way to getting your life straight. 

I never would have thought disney could be so insightful, but I suppose you could spin anything into something insightful. Especially if you were like my mom. She is the disney queen. She can tell you all sorts of interesting factoids about all the movies she's seen and loves to watch the movies with me even if I tell her I'm too old, I still secretly love to watch them with her because if she can act that childish at her age it means I can be that type of mom too and it gives me hope. This time of parenthood is interesting and yet greatly skewed. Moms ands dads are their kid's friends instead of their parents and instead of punishments they get rewards for bad behavior. I'm glad my mom is a fun mom but I'm also glad she's one of the few parents left who actually lays down the law when I break the rules. Fun moms are cool but at some point they can't be just fun all the time. My mom knows how to balance fun and discipline and I love her for it. I wish everyone could have a mom like mine. And with that I've finished my story for the day. 

Until tomorrow, 

Schuyler