it has been two years since tris... no my tris died in
war. we spread her ashes two weeks ago, on choosing day.
i was sad yet i was happy, to have done something tris would have liked and sad because she is no longer with me.
now evelyn lives in my apartment with me and i often think this should be tris and i living here, building a family. not evelyn and i talking about the war.
i like evelyn but i loved... no love tris and she shouldnt be gone, it should be caleb. the traitor, caleb its his fault! now tris is dead he should be dead! i miss her so much it eats me alive.
i have often tryed to find tris in caleb but nothing. he is an inconsiderate erudite. a traitor. i havent cryed since tris died and i need to again.
i think of my memories with tris. our first kiss, training, divergence, jelousy, initiates, and tears begin to well up in my eyes and i dont fight them off.
evenlyn walks in and comforts me, i allow her to. tris was very striking, comforting, she changed me... and still is no doubt.
Im not just saying "caleb should be dead!" but if i could have i would have taken Tris's place. if i had known about the plan... i could have stopped it. now she takes my mind over whenever i see caleb even though the show no resemblance to each other.
two weeks with evelyn... wow. shes my mother and i at first thought she was dead. that day i saw her on the train with the factionless i was just like, "what the heck woman?!"
evelyn claps my shoulder and leaves the room. if tris was leaving a room she would have at least said goodbye or kissed me.
i sit on my couch for a while then i get bored. i go to christinas apartment and get her to come to the hancock building, where we or i spread tris's ashes. tears well up in my eyes again but i fight them off, i cant cry in front of her.
once we get to the building we stand in the front where her ashes were spread.
"how have you been?" i ask
"ive been ok, but ive been missing tris..." she replies sadly
"so have i, can you believe it has been two years since she..."
"yeah i know and she was so young and had friends and a boyfriend to live for." she says loudly.
"mmhmm..." i turn away.
she slightly places her hand on my shoulder "im sorry i didnt mean to upset you."
i turn around "dont worry about it were both greiving"
"yeah your right tobias"
"i see everyones calling me that now but its ok were not in dauntless anymore."
"yeah but i kinda miss dauntless... not the eric part though!"
we both laugh for a short time as our laughs die down we just stand still. then i ask her what happened to marcus, not because i care but because hes part of the reason tris died.
she explains to me that he has started a life with joannah in were amity used to be. He has two new children a boy and a girl, trevor and dianna.
i nod and laugh i feel bad for them. what if he goes off on them and joannah? will she leave him and the children so he can abuse them? evelynn did the same to me i heard evelyns sobs her cries that woke me up almost every night she had me stay with that monster. it makes me want to hate her but i cant... she is the only -barely- family i have left. evelyn got beaten, had and affiar, left me with marcus, fake died giving birth, and joined the factionless. not saying i dont like the factionless but still.
now the factionless all have homes, caleb is engaged to susan the abnegation girl who was bothering me that one day in the kitchen.
i am happy for caleb, sort of... but i would be even happier if i were engaged to tris.
realizing im still with christina i turn to her and say wanna hanglide off the building? she nods and together we go to floor 100 then climb up to the roof. We stand on the roof and christina secures the straps around me and i tense up i may have done this for tris but im still afraid of hieghts. itll be ok she says and she lets go of my sling and i sloar to the ground. i scream with both joy and terror but i know im safe.
she comes down laughing as i catch her and set her down. we walk back to our apartments and say goodbye since it is getting dark and i clap her shoulder and walk inside, evelyn made supper. Hambergers, tris's favorite. i sniffle and wipe my nose and sit at the dinner table. while playing with my silverware evelyn sets down the hamburger on the table, i pick it up and start eating. Evelyn sits down and i ignore her eating my hamburger i stand up and push my chair in. i lost my apitite, im thinking tris to much! "stop it!" i think to myself "tris is gone. deal with it!" i cant stop thinking about her i love her, i miss her, i want her. even evelyn cant heal this emotional wound, no one can. i laugh histarically, to keep from sobbing.
i was once told that laughing is the best medicine, that is a huge lie. sometimes laughing is the only thing to keep me from crying. tris wouldnt be happy with how in acting she would be angry with me. she would want me to be happy that she is in a better place.
