A Letter To My Ex...

You know

You know for a long time, longer than id actually like to admit... i was broken goods.
I was.... fragile and easily spooked
I honestly was hurt.
It was weird.... it was a hurt I'd never experienced before...
Im definitely no stranger to being cheated on and lied to and used....and manipulated.... but with you it was different.
I felt it. The words that you spoke or typed... they really hit me like a fucking truck... and to this day when i think about it i will most likely cry or let a few tears stray down my cheek.
And I remember the emptiness i felt.
And the way my heart erupted into my throat and blocked all the words i had planned on saying out.
And then i felt the sharpest pain ever through my chest.
It was my heart dropping from my throat to my feet.
Everything went cold. And my heart sped up 50 times the usual speed and i just couldn't breath anymore.

It felt like i had absolutely nothing left to live for. I made you my world, and my world was being taken from me. You were taking my world from me.
After you made me the happiest person in the universe .

I allowed myself to make you the center of my world.
And my entire heart. You were my soft spot. You were my weakness. You were the one person who could make my day, and then in the same breath break it and cause me to spiral into a repetitive drug induced state.

Drink
Go to school and drink
Go to work tipsy
Come home take a sleeping pill or 2
Forget it ever happened
Repeat.
I would and did spend my last on you.
I went without so you could have.
I legit got my ass beat so I could see you and make you smile.
I told you everything
I showed you everything
I did everything with you
I was a smoker when we broke up

I still saw you everyday
I still spoke to you everyday
I texted you non stop
I allowed you to sleep in my bed whenever you wanted.
I was addicted
I failed to realize that relationships and sex and intimacy have the same affect on the brain as a drug addiction.
You were my drug.
And everyday i didnt have you felt like withdrawal.
I just wanted it to end.
I wasnt strong enough.
You played an enormous part in my life, i learned so much that i never realized until i cut you cold turkey.
And theres not a day that i dont miss talking to you. And theres not a day that i dont miss my best friend.

But i know that was an unhealthy attachment.

And now here i am almost a year after quitting you wondering if I'll ever be normal again. If I'll ever be the same person i was before i knew what it felt like to have everything you cared about be taken from you.
I dont know what else to say.
But im not there yet.
Im still shooketh
I dont ever wanna feel that kind of hurt again.