That Feeling Inside

Do it

It's been a week.
He hasn't texted me.
He hasn't called me.
Does he still love me?
Did he find someone else?

I look at my phone again to make sure he hasn't texted me, this time, however, he has "Something came up and I need to take care of it"
Oh no, I was right. He found someone else. That's the only possible explanation. It has to be. "Who is it?" Five minutes go by as I await anxiously for his response.
"Nobody you know"
"Is that it? We're done?"
"I'm sorry. It just sort of happened"
"Bye. You can come get your stuff whenever you want"
"I'll come over tomorrow. Bye. Love you."
"Bye."
"No love you too?"
"You said you would never leave me and yet you did. Why would I say I love you?"
Silence. I know that he read it though.

It's time to move on.

I never will. I love him.

Don't do it

Do it.

I walk to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. It's disgusting. It's ugly and I hate it. No wonder he left. Who would want this?

I open a drawer and fish through the assortment of useless crap until I find it. I grab it and pull it out. It's laughing at me. You're worthless. Just do it already. Nobody really loves you.

Stop

It's the truth. You know it too.

He said he loved me.

Yeah, he loved you. He doesn't anymore.

Fine.

I sit on the side of the bathtub and hold it to my arm. I'm not going to do this again am I? Yes. I do it. It stings. I wince for a little and do it again. Doesn't hurt this time. Again. I do it once more. That's pathetic. You're pathetic. Try again. I listen again.

Again

Again

Again

Over and over and over I listen to what it says until there's nowhere else to do it. I've stained the rug a dark red. It's worse than it's ever been. Other arm.

What?

Just do it. It's not like anybody would care if they found you here.

I wouldn't actually do something like that over a breakup.

God, just get it through your head, nobody will miss you and there is nothing to live for.

I listen again like a fool. I have a wicked grin on my face. I love this.

What's this feeling? Pain? Love?

What is...... is t-this feeling.....inside. All over.

I don't understand it

I

Can't.

Think

Maybe

It's

What

I've

Never

Felt

Maybe

This

Feeling

Inside

Is

Misery