Why ____ Wouldn't Work

Kiliel (Kili and Tauriel)

While The Desolation of Smaug was amazing and I loved it, I could not sand the whole "let's put in Tauriel and add nonexistent romance" for more screen time. Over all, though, I did really love the Desolation of Smaug. But after a while of thinking and rereading. I found a lot wrong with this couple.

First, Tauriel as a character. Tauriel is the captain of King Thranduil's guard. That's impossible. Aside from Thranduil not even thinking of putting a woman on his guard, she doesn't show any real skill besides killing a spider by throwing a dagger at it.

Second, I thought it was courageous of her to go and find Kili even when Thranduil would have become upset of it, but it was ridiculous that it was over a dwarf she just met. This was border line Cinderella romance! In a Hobbit movie! No! If she is level headed enough to be the captain of the guard, she would have thought, "oh man. I just met that dwarf, and he seemed to be doing fine on his journey this far. I'm sure the dwarves will figure something out to save him. Not only that but we only had one touching moment between us. That doesn't seem worth saving him for." Or you know, she could think, "Well, since I am going after this dwarf for nothing but a promise on a stone, maybe I should take some back up with me, since you know, there were handfuls of Orcs that attacked my home just before I left. I am captain, and if anyone questioned me, I could just say Thranduil ordered it. Besides, he won't care by the end of it anyway. He wants us cooped up in there, and I think we're better off going somewhere else if that's the case." Does anyone else the problem I'm having with Tauriel's execution of saving Kili?

But, Dark, she knew Legolas was going to follow her! She knew she wasn't going to be alone.

When saving the world, would you truly rely on the presence of a f***boy to catch your fall?

...NO! I call total, utter bullshit. If she truly believed Legolas was going to follow her, why couldn't she just ask Legolas to go with her instead of just running off? It would have been so much easier! This irritates me to no end as it is like having a cell phone and not telling someone you'll be home after midnight and they start freaking out about where you are at ten! That makes no sense right!? Why would you do this? Tauriel, you're so stupid.

Speaking of stupidity, she's an Elf! I've never heard of an Elf so ungraceful and stupid!

But, Dark, they were giving us the "not stereotypical damsel" character we need.

What of Galadriel? What of Arwen (whom I still find kind of dumb in the movies)? Galadriel is a very powerful Elf and SHE'S female. Although she wore dresses and was super princessy like in the films, she could kill in the films. She has power unlike any other Elf, and she's actually terrifying when she needs to be. I would be afraid to be her husband on one of her bad days. And Arwen? She fended off the wraiths when having to take Frodo to Rivendale. These Elven women proved to be more than just beautiful creatures at least twice throughout their series.

Speaking of Elven women, Tauriel is supposed to hate dwarves. She does not have to think they're absolute filth, but she shouldn't fall in love with them at first. She's supposed to be like all Elves. I don't care if she was a silvan Elf or not, I mean even Elrond has a problem with the Dwarves and he's fucking Elrond! Elrond! He left a bunch of messy Dwarves just stay in his home, and he was still hesitant about it.

Now, Kili is no exception. He's following what most Dwarves do, sure. That's proven. Dwarves have been falling for Elves since probably the dawn of time. Tolkien wrote about a very famous instance. However, it's really strange that the Dwarf legitimately fell in love with an Elf who killed a spider and then tried to get laid by the same Elf. It's fine if a Dwarf finds an Elf attractive; he was going to hit on a male Elf in An Unexpected Journey. But, to actually fall in love with an Elf just because she killed a spider by throwing a dagger is to justify Bella Swan having Edward's baby just because they really loved each other and were soul mates. Or whatever bull shit that author pulled.

Kili does have another flaw put into this Elf love madness. He mentioned he was reckless, which we can pretty much figure from An Unexpected Journey, but what we also can figure out, from the Desolation of Smaug, is Kili is really sentimental. If he really was in love with Tauriel, he should have figured, "Hey... I might escape from this place soon. I should probably get something to remember her by. Or maybe I should tell her my farewell now before I leave." Or maybe, "Aw man, I'll probably fight her if she finds out we escaped. Well, I should tell her how I feel since you know, I'm brave enough to try a line on her to get laid."

Having brought out all their flaws separately, they seem like the perfect couple of idiots. They're both reckless and hot headed. Tauriel with her almost killing an Orc for no reason. Kili with his sudden rush into fights. Their strange love at first sight complexes. Annnd, they both seemed to enjoy a nice penis joke. Let's throw that in there, 'cause why not.

Yet if you really think about all the fan fiction written and the strange story given by Peter Jackson, these two don't work well together. The whole relationship starts as off putting and hardly noticed. The chemistry of these two looking at each other and liking what they see is glossed over as if it were nothing. I mean we didn't need a scene where Tauriel had the wind blowing in her hair and then had glowing skin 'cause why not? But she killed a giant spider right before Kili's eyes, and it didn't seem like he fell in love because of how amazing Tauriel was supposed to be. It just seemed like he was in shock that she saved his life and that was it. Nothing. Nothing else. Although, if you go back and watch it, I guess you could say it looked like he was beholding her beauty or something. But then why was it not noticed during the first watching?

...exactly.

The couple's chemistry seems unnatural and disgusting. (Wow I sound like one of those characters you really want to die in a movie because they're so close minded and misunderstanding... Well). They really don't mix well when thought out. Tauriel cares more for beautiful, sentimental, and emotional things over duty. Kili literally left her in order to go and help his uncle reclaim his throne. And if that mixes well somehow, that's gross because then Tauriel would basically just back up whatever Kili wanted to do and be his servant. And that's just not cool.