Little things

Chapter 2

I haven't seen or talked to anyone in 3 weeks and this simple "Isn't it beautiful" question had me off guard.

I quickly roamed my eyes around, hoping that there might be someone else she is talking to. But it was just the two of us under the glowing stars.

I pulled down the hem of my oversized in an attempt to keep my face hidden.

My eyes landed on my rusty old black crocs while my thoughts landed on the all possible drawbacks of having a conversation with her.

"I'll have to face her." My head reported.

I tilted my back a little to ensure she wasn't someone from my past but all i could see was her light brown hair perfectly hanging down her shoulders and her long beige coat resting on the bench next to her. She seemed too focused in typing on her macbook to look away from it.

"Am i bothering you" she said without turning around, snapping me out of my observation, making me jump a little.

The fear of eye contact made my heart beat raise and i immediately straitened my back.

"C'mon, who knows if you will ever see her again and besides, she seems too busy to even look away from her mac book."

Clasping my hands in my lap and taking a long deep breath, "No, you are not..and yes...it is beautiful", i said lowering my head enough to stay away from her sight.

"I have never seen a milky way before, neither have i seen you around here before"

She probably lives some where near, i thought to myself.

"I..I am new here" i stuttered, regretting replying her in the first place.

"Well, welcome to Oregon then" she replied.

"Thanks" i said rather indifferently, hoping for her to go away or stop talking atleast.

I turned my glaze towards the waves which we were now slowing down and the water seemed to be pushing back itself because the sun let out its first ray announcing the blessings of a new day.

A shallow red line was interrupting the pattern of the perfectly set milkyway.

"Can i ask a question?" She said, again.

I rolled me eyes, "Haven't you been asking questions all this time?" I thought to myself, but replied respectfully "Yeah?"

"Why cant we lead our ownself?

Call the right feeling, right and the wrong ones, wrong?

Why do we have to struggle so much to find out whats best for ourself?"

She said in such a deep husky voice that my frustration level dropped to zero and her question grabbed all my attention.

I resisted the urge to turn around and look at her but the thought that she must be looking at me right now made me not to.

I thought for a while about what she asked and then let out a deep breath and began explaining "Look, even our apologies require mistakes, and mistakes make us learn and we become perfect by learning.

And the greatest of all mistakes is the one we take lightly, because remember mountains are madeup of sands"

I chewed the inside of lips, thinking i might have said alot more than required.

"Then why does our ego haunt us when we are supposed to ask for forgiveness and why is it so hard to forgive others?" she said, with a even huskier voice.

"Apology is simple word which doesn't reduce your reputation. But infact it shows how you are not bounded by your ego and the one who can fight off his ego is indeed the strongest one. Those who think otherwise are rather immature and oblivious to reality", I replied.

I so badly wanted to ask her if everything is okay but then i didnt wanted to invade her personal space either.

"Then why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?" This time it was evident that she was crying.

I was taken aback by her question. Suddenly it felt like the conversation was directed towards me. The question made me think of all the reasons why I can't forgive myself and it reminded me of my parent's precious face ruined by helpless expressions.

I knew I would breakdown any minute and there would be nothing worse than that and thus I stoodup and mapped my way home with me two feet competing each other. I ran as fast as I could without saying a single word to that girl at the beach.

By the time I reached home, I was in the middle of a panic attack. I closed my eyes tightly, hugged my shins and tried my best to suppress it but everything seemed to come crashing down at that moment. I tried to take control of my unusually heavy breathing.

As soon as the panic attack seemed to wear off a bit, I struggled my way through the syringes in the side drawer and dug one through the several layers of my arm's skin. The rest of the job was being taken care of as the drug traveled through my veins. My heavy breathing immediately calmed down and my shivering teeth took another couple of minutes to become normal. I could feel the serenity inside out after the drug completely settled in. My sweat covered face had never looked so peaceful before.

"What am I turning into?" I asked myself.

The serenity vanished off my system like a spacecraft.

I was now drowning into guilt, regret and shame.

I walked over to the refrigerator kicking aside the empty bottles of wine lying around in the tv lounge and popped open another one trying to forget the events of that horrible night.

I lit up a cigarette in the other hand and sat down watching my will power come crashing down like a defeated army in a battlefield.

Its pretty ironic how a simple question can ruin my day to this extent.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and eventually I lost control over myself and my wild thoughts.

I smirked at this, thinking I had won the battle between me and my minacious thoughts.

In that very moment,it felt right.

I don't know why but it felt like the only option.