Brooklyn Nine Nine High School

The Beybeys Are Late

  "Peralta, you're three minutes early. For once, you're not late. I'm  impressed," Principal Holt nodded as the English teacher walked into the  teachers' lounge, hair still ratted, teeth barely brushed, wearing a  sweatshirt on top of his pajama pants that he forgot to change out of.

  "He probably got up early so he wouldn't miss his morning cartoons,"  Amy Santiago said with a smug look. She sat on the couch; legs crossed,  back straight, arms folded over her three binders, containing the lesson  plan for her geometry class. She arrived an hour early, since she has  five alarms that makes sure she wakes up in time to put together a  healthy breakfast and shower. Her pantsuit didn't have a single wrinkle,  and not a strand of her chestnut hair was out of place. She sipped her  black coffee and sat back in her seat.

Gina strutted in after  Jake, wearing her Chanel sunglasses and holding her Starbucks Unicorn  frappucchino in her hand. "Sorry, ladies. Jake coming in early is my  fault. Or, Beyoncé's fault, to be specific, but I'd never accuse Beyoncé  of doing such a thing, so I'll gladly take the blame on this one. Bey  owes me," she explained.

"Were y'all waiting for Beyoncé to give  birth!?" Terry asked excitedly after taking a sip of his power shake.  "I've never been this excited about a black woman giving birth to twins  since my wife Sharon gave birth to Cagney and Lacey!" he said as he  bounced up and down in his tracksuit. He continued, "And don't even get  me started when Blue Ivy was born! That was the greatest day of my  life!"

"What about when your third daughter, Ava, was born?" Jake asked.

"Right, right, right. Her, too. She's important, too," Terry quickly nodded.

Charles chimed in, "as much as I love my son, Nikolaj, I gotta admit, I am ready for these Beybeys to be born!"

  The entire room erupted into a groan. Gina proclaimed, "Charles, as a  certified member of the B-Hive, I can officially say that that word is a  whole new level of extra. And that's coming from me, the queen of  extra. I'm so extra I order every single extra topping at Chipotle, no  matter the cost."

"Believe me, I know," Charles replied. "You  don't think I noticed you stealing money out of my pocket before lunch  break?" He turned to Rosa. "Why would you teach Gina how to pickpocket?  Did you not consider that I would be her victim?"

Rosa ignored  Charles and looked straight at Gina. "So you and Jake just hung out and  waited for Beyoncé's kids to pop out of her? Why didn't you invite  me?"she demanded.

"Well, you seemed more of a Rihanna fan to me,"  Gina replied. Rosa continued to glare. "Listen, the twins haven't  emerged yet. We can stalk every celebrity news site tonight. We can also  bet on what Bey's gonna name the kids. My money's on Purple Reign and  Red Moss," Gina reassured her. Rosa's look softened. She nodded in  agreement.

"Wait, who's Beyoncé?" Scully asked, his face covered in yellow splotches.

  "Beyoncé is one of the most famous female singers of all time. She is  the definition of black excellence. Get woke, Scully!" Hitchcock  informed, wiping a chip off the shoulder of his lab coat.

  "Scully, it's not even first period yet. How could you have possibly  gotten yellow paint on your face already?" Jake asked with a look of  disbelief.

"Oh, this isn't yellow paint. This is breakfast." Scully wiped the yellow off his face and licked his fingers.

  Jake grimaced, but decided to ignore that. He made his way to the  coffee maker. "Peralta," Principal Holt's voice boomed. "It will take  approximately three minutes for you to brew your coffee, and first  period starts in one minute. You won't make it to class in time if you  wait for coffee."

"I'm sure my students won't mind if I'm two minutes late, like how I don't mind if they're thirty minutes later," Jake argued.

"You don't write in your students as late?" Principal Holt asked.

  "Traffic happens, people sleep through alarms, I understand. If someone  comes in late, I mark them as present the whole time. I don't want to  damage their record if they're late too many times," Jake explained.

"This is unacceptable, Peralta."

  "I always mark my students as late, even if it's by five seconds. If  you're not in my classroom by the time the bell rings, you're late. I  work so hard to prepare these lessons, every second counts. I will not  let my students waste my time, after all the hard work I do to make sure  they get a good education," Amy proudly announced.

"Ms. Santiago  knows what she's talking about. From now on, Peralta, you need to mark  on the attendance sheet which students are late," Principal Holt  ordered.

"Geez, all this lecturing just for a simple cup of coffee!" Jake complained.

Charles spoke up. "You can have my coffee, Jake!"

  "Thank you, Charles," Jake said as Charles handed him his coffee. As he  rose the beverage to his mouth, his nostrils picked up the wretched  aroma. "Oh, God!" Jake winced as he slammed the cup onto the table.  "What did you put in that?!"

"Oh, you know, what you usually put in coffee. Milk, sugar, pickle juice, a teaspoon of honey."

"No thanks, I'm good," Jake said as he handed the coffee back to Charles.

Amy stood up. "I have to get my class. I didn't finish my coffee. You can have it, Jake."

"No, it's fine, Rosa has a flask of vodka in her utility belt, I'll ask her for a sip later," Jake replied.

Principal Holt's voice rose. "You brought alcohol onto school grounds?!"

  Rosa's eyes widened. "No, of course not! I need to go, later," she said  as she darted out of the room, with Principal Holt following her  closely behind.

Jake turned back to Amy. "Well, I guess Rosa won't be sharing her flask with me anytime soon," he shrugged.

"Take my coffee," Amy insisted. "I feel bad. My speech about coming in on time put you in trouble with Principal Holt."

"You know he's not here, you don't have to address him as Principal Holt now," Jake reminded.

  Amy shrugged. "I know, but it just doesn't feel right to disrespect  Principal Holt, to go against the rules that he installed. He does so  much to keep this school running. I just want to hold up to his  standards. I can't imagine what it would be like to run this school, to  be in such a high position of power."

Jake was about to reply  with a snarky comment, "Yeah, well, keep imagining it, because it's  never gonna happen. The only time Holt would step down as Principal is  if he dies, which won't be happening in a long time, dude's got the  heart of a bull. You'd be an old cat lady by then, still trying to wipe  the eggs off your house windows after your former students egg your  house every Halloween." But he didn't say that.

He looked at Amy  as she was staring off into space. Her eyes had a child-like twinkle of  hope. She really wanted to play that role. And he knew she doesn't stop  until she gets what she wants. A small smile rose up from the corners of  his mouth. He knew he couldn't bring her down. He decided to pull her  up.

"You won't have to imagine for long. You'll be running this school before you know it!" he encouraged.

Amy grinned from ear to ear. "You really think so?"

  "I know so. And before class starts, please go a little easier on your  students. I get that you always come to class on time and you want that  amount of respect to be reciprocated, but not everyone is a superhuman  that sets five alarms and comes to school an hour early. You gotta be  more understanding if you want your students to like you back," Jake  pleaded.

Amy pursed her lips, trying not to react to Jake calling  her a superhuman. "I'll take that thought into consideration. Now, if  you'll excuse me, I'm gonna be late to class!" She paced down the  hallway.

Jake smirked. He crossed his arms, leaned against the  wall, and watched that brown ponytail bounce down the hallway. The bell  ringing brought him out of his trance. Students flooded the hallway.  Jake navigated his way to his English class through the maze of  teenagers. He made it, with five seconds to spare.