Scout and The Girl Who Jumped [Tagalog]

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I honestly don't know where to begin.

I'm not a story teller anyway. For other's I'm just a lowly slut in their class. Tsk. Sabi nga nila Sabrina, isa daw akong malanding puta.

Puta, bayaran, pinagpapasahan...you name it, Sabrina and her minions could think of so many colourful names to call me. I never denied being one, so hindi ko rin sila pwedeng sisihin kung bakit nila ako ganoon tinatawag at tinatrato. Especially if one of them, isang babaeng chismosa, saw me with Jax (the batch's notorious playboy and Sabrina's boyfriend) once.

Wala naman kaming ginagawang masama ni Jax and we're only discussing about the marijuana that I was trying to sell him when Lily—one of Sabrina's minion--- caught us together. Nasa labas kasi kami ng hotel nila Jax noon at may ibinubulong ata siyang pick-up line sa akin to get into my panties nang maabutan kami nung chismosa na 'yun. And from that day on---na-brand na ako bilang isang ahas na malandi. And maybe there were some instances din na...hay. Anyway---that's beside my point.

The thing is...I want to tell my story before I die.

Gusto kong malaman ng mga tao ang side ko sa story bago ako magpakamatay.

The side that's not been tainted with lies. 'Yung mga totoong nangyari at hindi 'yung chismis na pinagpapasapasahan sa canteen hanggang sa naiba at lumaki at hindi ko na makontrol.

Gusto ko lang sana malinis ang pangalan ko bago ko...bago ko iwanan ang lahat.

It may sound a little cynical...talking about suicide , death and whatnot...but I am just---I'm just tired of living you know?

I'm tired of it all.

I'm tired of all the people living in this fucked up world. Mga taong akala mo sila lang ang importante...mga taong akala mo kung makapag-apak ng iba ay sila lang ang may halaga ang buhay...mga taong peke...

I'm tired of being surrounded by fake people giving me fake sympathy, giving me false hope ---saying that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel even if there's none.

Sa dami ng plastic sa mundo, nagtataka na nga ako kung bakit hindi pa sila na rerecycle ng mapakinabangan naman ng tunay.

Anyway, I am also tired of every little single thing that's been happening to me. I'm tired of the never ending cycle of trying to breathe and survive everyday.

Sawang-sawa na ako sa paulit-ulit na pangagago sa akin ng buhay. Sa paulit-ulit nitong pagpapaalala na 'Willow, isa kang malas. Isa kang pagkakamali dito sa mundo. Hindi mo deserve na sumaya o makahinga man lang ng maluwag. Mamatay ka na,'

Every day that I am waking up, the first thing that I think about is how easily it would be if I just die in my sleep.

It would be so easy right? Walang kahirap-hirap. Patay ka na agad. No need for cutting. No need for ropes or overdosing yourself with anti-depressant drugs.

Easy. Just sleep peacefully and the next thing you know, you're being buried six feet under the ground and soon to be consumed by maggots and other pests. Iiglip ka lang pero pagkagising mo, isa ka na palang fertilizer sa sementeryo.

Ha! Sobrang dali siguro kung tipong pagkagising ko ay nasa kabilang buhay na ako. 'Yung hindi ko na kailangan alalahanin pa kung buhay pa ba ang nanay at kapatid ko sa kabilang kwarto o napatay na sila ni papa sa pambubugbog niya sa tuwing nalalasing siya.

That kind of morning would be so nice.

"When you press me to your heart

I'm in a world apart

A world where roses bloom"

Napangiti ako at napapikit. Inadjust ko rin ang paglagay ng earphones sa tainga ko at dinama 'yung malamig ng simoy ng dagat. I'm really glad that the last thing that I will hear besides the loud crashing of waves into the rocks beneath me is this song. Scout would be happy.

Maybe if I'll go back in time...sabihin natin mga sampung buwan bago lahat 'to mangyari, matatawa na lang ako kung sasabihin kong sa Palawan ko pipiliing wakasan ang lahat.

Because come on, I can easily end my life there in Manila.

But I chose not to.

And all because of that boy...

God. Why did I let myself get distracted by his charms?Why did I let him enter my life?

Maayos na ang lahat. Nai-ayos ko na. Nakausap ko na sila sister Belle sa kumbento para kupkupin sila mama at ang kapatid ko kung sa kali man may mangyari sa akin, not that I told them about my plans of killing myself 'ano, but the bottom line is, I was ready. Malaki-laki na rin ang natabi kong ipon sa kinita ko bilang waitress doon sa bar, para pantawid nila kung papaano

I got it all figured out. But then he kept on pestering me and now...I'm still alive.

"Give your heart and soul to me.

And life will always be.

La vie en rose ."

After I sang the last words of my favorite song, I stood up. Inilapag ko na ang cellphone ko sa aking paanan, pati na rin 'yung kwintas na palagi kong suot. Hindi ko na kakailanganin ang mga ito kung saan man ako mapunta. I will leave everything behind just like what I should have done ten months ago.

Dinama ko muna ang malamig na hangin bago ako tumuntong sa barrier na pumapagitna sa dagat at dito sa matarik na highway. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at itinaas ang aking mga kamay sa aking gilid na para bang niyayakap ko na ang aking katapusan.

This is it, Willow.

This is the end.