2017
How strong you are?
That question always popped in my head for the last two years. I felt like I've had enough with the whole celebrity life. No matter how strong you were, there would be a time when you wanted to stop pretending and be normal. I desperately tried to find a way to abandon my dreams. It didn't matter anymore. The whole idea of being an inspiring singer-actress who loved by everyone is bullshit.
"Sooyoung, you need to focus on your part" said my dancing instructor.
"Yes" I merely open my mouth to answer her.
"Are you okay, eonnie?" Yeri asked sympathetically.
"Don't worry, let's continue our dance practice" I reassuringly responded to her.
We were in the middle of preparing our comeback this summer yet I didn't feel the hype. I lost it – the reason why I wanted to be the singer in the first place. What is the point of being an entertainer if you are not able to deliver the happiness to people? It was an endless nightmare.
The other members have been worried about me since that accident. It was around 2016 – during my first drama project. Someone sent me a horrible package at filming location. There were hateful fan letter and bunny corpse. I didn't know people could be that cruel to me. I knew there would be haters despite of what I did – how I tried to prove them that I deserved to be loved, they would just hate me. I used to browse my own name on internet – read their comments. People tend to ignore the compliments and only focus on the negative comments. I am one of that people. I felt so thankful for everyone who adores me but there was pang in my heart which I couldn't ignore. There were also people who simply hate me. They didn't know me personally thus they carelessly judged based on my attitude on the screen. Hence, this package accident was beyond my logic.
The managers tried to track down who the sender was but failed. I wasn't upset about it. The letter was what made me thrilled. It was written with so much hatred and anger towards me even I could feel it. Then, it made me thinking back of all the things I've done. I kept thinking of people who I might hurt unconsciously, my attitude on the screen, and my lines during the interviews – hoping that I could find a glimpse of answer. I cried harder than ever. I tried to call my parents and the other members but they didn't pick up my call. I felt like something's taken away from me. Ah, this is how Harry Potter feels when Dementor sucked away his happiness. It was hollow and black.
I was having nightmares and couldn't sleep since that day. The managers had to prescribe me a sleeping pill. I also asked my team not to disclose anything to my family. I wanted to protect them.
"Let's go eating outside after practice" Wendy enthusiastically announced to all of us. We decided to eat at the newest vegetarian restaurant near our office.
"Can't we eat beef, eonnie?" I asked her even though I knew that she would definitely say no.
"Don't you dare to cheat behind my back! Our comeback is near so you have to maintain your diet" she scolded me. She was indeed the second wisest member after Irene.
"Red Velvet! Hi guys!" I heard someone called us. I turned my head and saw Eunkwang – followed by their members, walked to our table.
"Hello sunbaenim! Long-time no see" Seulgi greeted Eunkwang back. I just smiled at their directions. It has been more than 2 years since my first variety show project with him. We were back to be strangers again due to our busy schedule and lack of communication.
"How are you, actress Sooyoung?" asked Changsub.
"Great as ever, how's your japan debut oppa?" I asked him back while looking at the one who stand in the back of crowd.
Changsub only laughed and explained that he was so lonely during his japan promo. The other member was not allowed to go to Japan with him.
Moreover, Changsub knew everything. He knew what happened between his youngest brother and the woman in front of him. He acknowledged that both of them were stubborn. He observed the stolen glances, timid smiles, and even the SNS stalking behaviour. They both are sharing the same feeling – it was his conclusion. Until the time comes, he would remain silent. He wanted to youngest member to learn and experience romance by his own. His helps would be there if needed.
"Are you guys vegan now?" Peniel abruptly spoke.
"We will have a summer comeback" Wendy announced excitedly.
"Woah seems like I have to buy your album again" Minhyuk teased.
"We will give seven of you free signed albums, oppa" Irene answered with her angelic smile.
"Hyung, our manager text me – we have to go" He finally spoke. I missed his deep voice. The voice that used to sing me lullaby. The deep-soothing voice that still rang in my mind whenever I felt down.
"Ah, I almost forget. We have to go guys" Eunkwang confirmed and bid their goodbye to us. I bowed myself to them and promised them to have a meal with them in the future. Then, I silently glanced at his direction. He didn't say anything – still keeping his stoic face. I just smile at him.
"You don't need another drama in your life, Sooyoung" I said it to myself.
