2017
'Cause you brought out the best of me – a part of me I'd never seen.
You took my soul wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.
I scrolled my KakaoTalk's contacts– wanted to check whether there was still one person I could talk to in this eerie hours. I stopped at one name. My finger had been wandering to tap the button for minutes. Should I call him? Would it be weird after such long time? Was it okay if I start the conversation first?
I clicked the call button. It was too late to take it back. I took a deep breath and started counting until a hundred.
'I am sorry the customer you try to reach is still busy'
Then the line went silent.
I laughed at myself. Why was I so pathetic? I certainly knew that he would not pick my call. He was a famous idol. He had something more important than picked up my call. I hanged up the call. I did not want to make myself look so pathetic for calling him and clearly acknowledged that he saw me as a stranger.
It was hurt. This was the first time I was feeling so miserable. Did I love too much? I was losing my control. All I did during my free time was stalking him and yet I could not properly say a word to him when we passed each other during the events. I had a lot of things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to ask how his life. I wanted to express how I enjoyed watching his latest drama. I wanted to praise how good his voice was during the immortal song event. I wanted to do what we used to before the show end. I wanted it all.
Yeri suddenly came to my room with her worried face.
"Joy, are you okay?" she whispered to me.
"I'm fine, what's the matter?" I convincingly answered her. She looked at me with her huge eyes. It was a sign that something was wrong happen.
"I want to show you something but you have to promise me one thing" She talked to me with doubt. I could sense it. She did not want to me to be in trouble. She knew that I hold too much emotion – which I did not act how I normally did.
"What?" I responded to her.
"I don't want you to be sad. I want you to be your old self even after I show you this" she explained while pointing her finger to her phone. I see. It was news about him. She did not want me to be sad after reading the news.
"Okay" I carelessly agreed to her. What was the point for holding myself if I would end up hurting in the end. It would not make you less hurt. Besides, I would like to know it by myself rather than from a stranger's mouth.
She showed me his post. He posted a picture of a 5 years-old baby girl along with captions.
You make my heart feel like it is summer
When the rain is pouring down
You make my whole world feel so right when it is wrong
That is how I know you are the one
Why did God to be this cruel to me? Did I have too much sin in the past? Why could not I love him freely? Was my love a sin?
The rumour came out as the truth after all. I knew it was her from the start. I clearly remembered once he showed me another picture of her childhood. He even asked me whether the baby in the picture was cute or not. I innocently agreed that she was cute. I should have known that I failed from the very start. I should have limited myself from expressing too much. I should have read the situation better so that I would not get hurt this bad.
I took a deep breathe. Yeri noticed the sudden change of my mood. She hugged me tight.
"You can cry today. Let it all out" she patted the back of my head. She was much younger than me yet she was more grown up.
The memories I dearly cherished. The sweet gestures he did to me. The sweet and convincing words he said. It was all lies. I cried for my stupid self – letting my guard down. I cried for loving him this much.
"Joy! Joy! Wake up!" I could hear Yeri calling me yet I could not open eyes.
"Seulgi! Irene! Wendy! Manager! She fainted!" She called everyone inside my room.
"What happened?" Wendy yelled at her. Her voice laced with fear.
"She cried after I showed her a picture" She explained. Irene snatched the phone. Her pupils dilated – she could not believe what Yeri did. She was speechless.
"I will take her to the hospital" Manager said. Irene commanded Yeri to go to another room. They would have a very serious talk.
"What did you just do, Yeri? Why did you do that?" She bombarded Yeri with questions,
"I just wanted to show her the post so that she will stop being miserable" Yeri explained.
"But you do know that she has weak immune" She tried not to let the anger took over her mind.
"I am sorry. I never know she will faint" Yeri apologised.
"I know baby. She just shows the sign of recovery. We don't want her to be in trouble anymore" Wendy explained while hugging Yeri from the back.
Everyone in SM Entertainment knew that Joy was not that strong and chic. Joy was a quiet and preserved person. She rather kept the emotion within herself than shared it with anyone. None would know whether she was in trouble unless you asked her in person. Thus, we tried our best to protect her. We knew how she loved him; how she always silently observed him from a far, took every different details about him each time we passed BTOB. We could not ask her to stop loving him. It would be very cruel. We loved seeing her being the old cheerful girl whenever she's around him. It was just that the love they shared did not suit in this cruel idol world. Their love was pure. We believed that they were a match made in heaven. They destined to be together in the future. We just could not bear to see her getting the hate.
I got a dream. Someone pull me into a room. I could only see the smile. The same smile he had whenever he was too happy. The person walked towards me and whispered into my ears. Then, it was very dark out of sudden. I could not see any light.
I tried to call everyone's name but none heard me. I ran – tried to find the exit dorm but it was too dark. I started feel uncomfortable. My chest was being stomped – I could not breathe properly. I was unable to move yet I could feel someone injected fluids inside my skin. I must be in the hospital right now.
I felt myself calmer after couple minutes and my consciousness started to come back slowly. I now was able to see the light. I tried to open my eyes. I saw all the members sitting around my bed.
"Thanks God!" I heard my Manager exhaled loudly.
"I am sorry guys" I apologised for whatever trouble caught me this time.
"No baby, you did not do anything wrong" Irene hurriedly hugged me.
"I think I want to quit from everything" I said while looking at everyone's eyes in the room.
I did not know how I managed to say that aloud. I thought I haven't had enough courage to say it. I honestly felt so exhausted. I did not want this kind of life. I wanted to have the normal one. I wanted to go back to my parents. I did not give a damn for my career. I could be whatever I want except singer. I wanted to stay away from this bottomless hell. I wanted to be my old self.
