2017
I have been on the road that you're on. It did not get me very far.
I saw her directly – in front of me without any interruption for the first time. She was still as mesmerising as the first time I met her. That's also the reason why I couldn't manage myself to look at her.
Despite all the great things surrounded, I noticed there were changes. Her demeanour described something I was afraid of – sadness, giving up and depression. I didn't know she would suffer that much. I observed the way she talked with others. It was gone. She used to talk animatedly. Her face would lit up – sparked some joyfulness. Her bright smile was too rigid. She was not the person I used to know 2 years ago. I didn't know where that smile goes. It somehow hit me home.
It took 2 years for someone to change into another person or was it me who cold-heartedly ignore her.
"Ah, I almost forget that we still have schedules. We have to go guys" Eunkwang bid our goodbye to them.
"Fighting guys! Keep safe and healthy, ok?" Minhyuk patted Yeri's head. He is literally our mother. He still was care with them even after we finished our project.
"Of course oppa!" Yeri replied. She also announced that we should come to her graduation party. The others were so excited and I felt like I had to check upon someone's reaction. Then, I dare myself to glance at her direction.
I realise she's getting thinner. Her eyes lost its glow. She sighed a lot. She lost her focus. She avoided my direction. She kept checking her phones – tapping her shoes worriedly. Sometimes she joined the conversation but most of the time she aimlessly looking at the other side of this restaurant.
"Bye" I said as followed the other members who already stand in front of the exit door.
She finally looked at me. I smiled at her – the 'are you okay' smile. She silently looked at me with her big brown eyes. There was no hint of smile.
We went back to our apartment after finishing our schedules around 2 AM when my phone suddenly chimed. It was a blog update notification.
At some point, you will realise that you have done too much for someone or something.
That the only next possible step to do is to stop.
Leave them alone.
Walk away.
It's not like you're giving up.
And it's not like you should not try,
It's just that you have to draw line of determination from desperation.
What is truly yours would eventually be yours.
And what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
My feelings mixed up - between anger and sadness. She wrote that. Was she implying that she wanted to give up? Why? Was she desperate for something? Was someone let her down?
What is truly yours would eventually be yours and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. What kind of nonsense was that? What was she thinking while wrote this entry? She should not give up. She should have fought it harder if she wanted to get what actually hers.
"Hey" said someone over the phone.
"Hello, Seolhyun" I greeted her back.
Yes, it is what exactly the fans assumed back then. I was secretly in close relationship with her. I didn't want to put a label that we were an item. I just couldn't bring myself to do that.
None knew my romance's life – not even my family and other band members. I knew Seolhyun after I broke up with Nana. Yes, the dearest Nana everyone in South Korea knows.
We were just an acquaintance at first until Zico asked me to join his group of friends. We were getting closer. I knew that I was not the only one she's seeing yet I still choose her over someone who I secretly hoping could be my fate. I was the kind of man who stupidly agreed to be someone's second choice. First, it was Nana and now it was Zico – Seolhyun – Me.
"How's your day?" she asked me. I became someone else when I was with her. I became the cruel cold-hearted bastard.
"So damn packed. I wish they could give me one more day off" I heard she chuckled over my answer.
"So you could spend your time with me?" She teased me. Last week, we went to Japan together. Her boyfriend was out of the country and she felt lonely thus she followed me to Japan.
"No, I mean yes half of day I will spend it with you and the rest I am planning to go fishing" I explained. She didn't care about my hobbies. All she cares was the time we spent together – doing whatever she likes. I also didn't have any intention to ask or even teach her how to fishing. Unlike what I used to do with someone, I let my guard down. I voluntarily shared my interests with her.
"Seol-ah, how can you tell if someone's actually yours?" I asked her. I was so curious upon her answer. She was as ambiguous as the person I secretly observed from afar. I wanted to know how she would fight for someone or was she also let the fate by its game.
"Why do you suddenly ask about that?" she asked me back.
"I just wanted to know your opinion" I lied to her. I actually wanted to make sure whether you were the right person. Whether I should keep being the third wheel. Whether I should resume my fight for her.
"I can't tell how someone's mine but I will claim him first. I will do the hardest to get his attention – I don't care if he already has girlfriend but once I love him I will run after him" she explained. I was right. She was indeed the ambiguous woman.
Her answer made me think back of all the things I've done – the memories with her. Should I be the cruel man who will do everything – didn't care of others' feeling in order to get her. I was surely not that evil.
"Seol-ah, I have to go now" I cut off the line. No sweet greetings. No endearing name. Only a casual word.
There will always a reason why you meet people.
Either you need to change your life or you are the one that will change theirs.
Keep holding on. Do not give up.
I left a comment on her blog anonimously.
