The Silent Deceivers

Chapter 10

Crystal Clear

The sun was still burning bright in the sky as I hurried into the courtyard. I walked around to the back door and skipped up the steps two at a time. I pushed open the back door and went straight up to my room. I slammed the door shut, only for it to be open four seconds later by Andy.  He shut the door behind him and stood awkwardly by my empty desk. He informed me that I had missed dinner but if I wanted anything he would concoct something up, after I replied telling him I wasn’t hungry he began to ask me questions about my day. I didn’t respond, I kept my body facing him, but my mind was rushing all over the place. After his third attempt of trying he gave in and took my silence as his signal to get the hell out of my room. After he left, I chucked the book I had picked up at the wall in frustration. I hated it here. I wish I could just leave. It would be easier for everyone.

The next thing I saw was an extremely angry Lisa shaking in the doorway, her eyes blazing fire. I glared at her. I was ordered down stairs to the office immediately. I stomped off down the stairs, making my feelings known. While in the office I was blatantly lied to in every sentence. ‘We care about you Leah. We want to help you Leah, you can tell us anything Leah. We know how hard it is adjusting to life in care but you’re not helping yourself are you Leah? It will get better Leah. You have so many people that love and care about you Leah. Your life is so precious Leah.’

Lies, lies, LIES!!!!

 I made a choice to follow their example and started to lie back but there was sarcasm in every word I said. Then we concluded the talk by having a shouting competition - which if I recall correctly I won and it ended with me saying, I hated everything, everyone and that I didn’t want to live anymore. That was the one piece of truth, during that whole conversation.

I walked past Luke, Megan and Alice as I went into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. I saw their shocked expressions tracing me as I went. On my way back towards the stairs, I heard them talking about me in whispers in the living room. I did not belong there nor did I fit in. As I walked past the office I heard Andy call out “You need to see a counsellor. You’re seeing a counsellor and there is nothing you can do about it. End of conversation.”

Like to see you try and make me.

I shakily walked upstairs to my room and shut the door. I sat down on my bed and burst into tears. I grabbed the teddy sitting lopsided on my pillow and sat there rocking back and forth clutching it to my chest, it was my only physical reminder of my home. I felt so alone. I needed help, I had nowhere to go, no-where were I truly belonged but I didn’t want to see a counsellor. You can’t trust anyone, you can’t tell anyone how you feel.

 My trust in adults had disappeared a few years ago, when I was betrayed by one I thought I could rely on; everything I had told them, from my craziest moments to my darkest suicidal moments had been repeated to my parents. It only took one switch of the light bulb in my head to realise that you couldn’t trust them. It only took one person to break my trust in millions of people around me. I felt let down, betrayed and stupid for believing that the person I trusted would be different. I did manage to pick myself up and regain trust in some of the adults around me after that but I didn’t store it in them half-heartedly. I was guarded in what I told them. I was waiting for them, expecting them to break it. Maybe, maybe this counsellor would be different. Maybe I’d be able to trust her.