The Bipolar's Diary

12

28th January, 2002...

May anyone tells me why is this freaking universe is acting as if it doesn't want my dead just yet? Trying to save me at all cost, through all coincidences?!

I'm freaking tired of my own life. I can't let this happen. No! This time, I'm planning it right and it should be right.

It should be carried out right. It... it just has to. But now, something in myself doubts the intention of committing suicide.

Yesterday, before I could jump into the rope and die there, a knock on my bedroom's door took place, and...

Even though I want to heavily just jump and die, I do not want my parents to know that I'm doing this before I die.

Turns out, guess who it is. Guess, just guess. And I bet you'll never get it right. Charles Redwood. Yes, Charles Redwood is in front of my bedroom door.

I bet I look stupid at the moment, I must've looked awkward, before I finally welcome him to get into the room.

I've never been so heart-attacked. And it's just a matter of time until he finally realizes the presence of the rope.

He seems so shocked and worried. I don't know why, but it's clearly not because he has the same feelings to me as of how I feel for him.

Probably since he's afraid that no one would ever be there to help him on his math homework anymore after I pass away.

So for the first time, I told him everything. About my illness, about the pain I've been going through, and all my sufferings.

I've never been so emotional. I hardly tried not to spill a tear, but I just can hold all the things I've been holding for so long time.

I cried. I did. I didn't make any noise, but I clearly wipe off my tears from my cheeks. I did it right in front of him.

Something in me tells me I should be honest once and for all to him. A chance like this may not happen once more.

Something in me tells me I should trust him with all I am. I should surrender all the secrets I've been keeping from the world.

Even the dangerous secret I haven't told that betrayer in my class. Which is even more dangerous to know that he, is the one that plays a main role in the secret.

The people I love. He came here to talk to me and to ask my help with a mathematic homework. Crap, someone still forces me to do maths during the last minutes of my frustrated life.

To my surprise, he doesn't even know that he's famous. Probably because he's a boy. Girls are likely to keep their feelings for themselves.

I don't think the girls who adored him from afar would've dared to speak directly to him when butterflies and awkwardness had captured their minds when they had just been able to see him.

And they won't risk their reputation and fame for giving him a birthday gift. This will make people start to take it as the fact that they're a fan of Charles Redwood.

Guess this foolish lady, Beatrix Fraser, have nothing to risk and worry for. She doesn't have any reputation nor fame.

And that's why she's been the only one to dare to speak to him and give him a gift for the day when he was born.

He told me that somehow, he sometimes feel the same thing, like a crazy elevating mood and perspectives on things and life.

But that, somehow, doesn't make him end his life. He said he's nearly up for it, but he found passion in soccer and since then, it saved his life.

He totally has no idea about what I'm going through. I've found focus and interest in mathematics, but that doesn't help a single bit.

That doesn't keep me from suicide. No, Beatrix Fraser. Don't let the guy you've never even known what's in his brain dragging you out of our plan.

That devil speaks in my head. The Beatrix that had never been afraid to be psychopathic, to kill anyone, including herself.

She's supposed to be asleep by now since I had a clear mind and common sense since this morning. But somehow, she awakens.

The Beatrix that has taken control over my body and mind when I'm devastated and frustrated, offering huge scenarios that lead to my death.

What if he only comforts me to prevent me from taking suicide, so he can repeatedly ask a helping hand for the math homework he'll get in the future?

To keep his 'homework-helping-slave' alive, so he didn't get bad grades for mathematics, chemistry, and physics?

But... what if what's in his mind is totally the opposites? If I can't read his mind and tell what's inside it, it could be anything he's writing for the note that sticks with me in his brain.

Could be bad or nice, and why should I keep looking for the bad things; even the worst possibilities? Why not the good ones?

I guess I knew why. Because so far, nothing good had came over to me. All the people I love betrayed me.

All the worst possibilities always happen in my life, making me nothing but a dumped girl without a real future.

So now, what's life for?

Diary, I'm too confused. What should I do? It's night and... okay, I really need to sleep. My thoughts are mixing and blending in my brain.

It's like an invisible war has taken place, a conflict. Let me have a good rest and wake up in the morning tomorrow.

I think I might have a good idea. A good plan.

Goodbye for now.