Today;
I am..
confused?
...today I have
lost my way,
I think.
I sit here writing dumb poetry that sounds vaguely Tumblresque and for
what?
I post these
silly lines filled with
angst and
emotional shit
for nameless, faceless people that I have never met
nor will I ever.
Do I want validation?
Do I want a fucking pat on the back like,
"Good job, mate!
You wrote about something that literally millions of other people have already covered
much more eloquently then you
ever could.
You have depression? Congratulations! So does everyone else."
Did I expect my writing to
set me free?
Did I expect it to replace the urge to
rip the wings off the pale grey butterfly that sits where my heart should?
Did I expect it to provide the hand I so desperately need to grab on to?
Because I'm drowning. I'm very far down in the ocean and I'm
Alone.
It's dark here and I'm
Scared.
I'm scared I'm scared I'm
so very scared.
I can't hear anything.
I can't move.
It's cold.
I'm afraid I've lost my way.
I am incredibly sad and I do not know how to find my way back to
being happy.
This is not a poem.
Poems flow and
are beautiful but
this is all ugly and screaming and writhing.
This is blood and guts on
paper.
This is a hand written
autopsy.
I think I would like to sleep because sleep
walks
hand and hand with death.
But as I stand on the edge of
oblivion,
hands clutching empty air and
desperation dripping off my skin I
start to tip,
Life
jerks me back by the hair
Kicking and screaming.
Why is it so taboo to try and give back a gift I never asked for in
the first place?
I don't know why I'm such a
slut for poetry.
I don't know why I share such pathetic,
generic,
rambling,
unoriginal
thoughts.
I suppose, maybe,
I'm clumsily asking if anyone feels the same way?
I know I can't be the only one at the bottom of this
ocean of black.
I can't see you
but theoretically I know
some of you must be there?
I don't expect to ever exist without feeling so
lost.
But perhaps I could find someone to be lost with.
Someone who doesn't try and
save me
but
cries at the unfairness of it all
with me.
I guess,
that's all I've ever wanted.
To know if others feel just as misplaced in a world
that is not their own.
