tattoos // lashton

twenty-one.

- Luke -

It'd been a couple of days since the funeral, and Calum was slowly starting to be more like himself. It had become relieving for all of us to hear Calum laugh at something, or for him to make a joke instead of just listening to everyone else talk. His happiness has always meant the world to me, and it would kill me if he lost it. I'm glad he didn't.

I cleared my head as I looked up at the sky, black with glowing dots of white sprinkled throughout it. Ashton wanted to go on a walk, and I agreed to go with him because it's too dangerous for him to be walking alone this late at night. He hadn't spoken a word to me since we've started this walk twenty minutes ago. Something was bothering him.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked as we crossed the bridge we met on. The memory seemed to replay itself in my head as he stopped and stared across the water beneath it. I stood beside him with an arm around his waist just in case. 

"I'm not happy. I wouldn't say I'm as sad as I used to be, but I'm still unhappy. Will it ever go away?" He didn't look at me as he talked. Tears did not make their way down his face as he looked up at the stars. He needed to cry. He's been trying so hard to stay strong that he hasn't had a chance to release all the pain that's building up inside of him.

"It'll take awhile, and it won't be easy." When he didn't say anything, I decided to continue. "A friend of mine killed himself when he was in high school. We were pretty good friends, but we faded away and then he was gone. I just wondered how he could do this to me. To his friends and family. But after a few weeks of hating him for what he did, I changed my perspective. I instead thought how could I do this to him? He obviously needed someone, and I didn't notice. Instead I let the two of drift apart because he was busy with sports and I was busy with music and it just seemed like too much work. I didn't notice the bruises or scars or cigarette burns that his father left because I lost his trust. I just let him push me away. I didn't even pay enough attention to see that he wore nothing but long sleeves and let his black hair grow out so it could hide bruises on his face better. And he lost so much weight and I just...I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I just don't want you to become like him and me to be like the same old, dumb Luke that caused me to lose someone. He just deserved the whole damn world and so do you and he never got any happiness and just-" 

He cut me off by hugging me, and I was crying, and so was he. My shoulder became damp as Ashton's body started to slightly shake, and I forced myself to stop crying. I have to be strong now. Ashton is not happy. I have to make him see that he will get better. 

"You're not gonna lose me," Ashton said, his voice cracking as he said 'lose'. I held on to him tighter as he continued to sob. 

"You'll get better, alright? I'll make sure of it. Think about all of this. Someday we're gonna adopt kids and they're going to love you so much. We'll tell them bedtime stories and make sure they don't stay up too late. We'll have a girl and a boy, and she'll cry when we tell her the story of how we met and our son will think about how strong his dad is to battle through one of the hardest wars. But before all of this, we're going to make sure you're happy, alright? I'll do everything in my power. Therapist, pills, or just recovering on your own. We'll do it." He wasn't shaking as much as he was before. I took it as an improvement.

"You've thought a lot about that," he said, pulling away and looking at me.

"Yeah, I have. Because I love you." He kissed me as soon as the last three words left my mouth, returning them in between kisses. I loved him more than I could even fathom. I've never cared about someone in this sort of way, and have never had someone care about me like this. We fit like puzzle pieces that were designed to intertwine with each other. 

"Do you want to go back to your place?" I asked, and he shook his head. He grabbed my hand, guiding me back towards the rail that separated us and the water. He carefully jumped over it and sat down, gesturing for me to do the same. I did so reluctantly, sitting down next to him slowly.

"You've done this before?" I asked, even though the answer was pretty obvious. He laughed and said that he like teasing death. I did not laugh. I looked down at my wrist, lightly touching that tattoo that quoted the words he first said to me.

"How does this work?" I asked. He looked over at my wrist to see what I was talking about before looking down at his own. 

"I don't know. It doesn't make much sense. Why the world thinks so much about destiny but nothing forces you to stay with that one person. Like as soon as they leave you or die your tattoo just transforms itself in an x. We're taught that magic isn't real but that seems pretty fucking magical to me." He stared at his tattoo throughout his whole speech, looking out across the water at the end of it. I couldn't do anything but stare at him, he was so beautiful. He took the words right out of my mouth. I grabbed his cheek with my hand, leaning forward and kissing him. He smiled into, and my chest filled with nothing but love. 

I am happy.

~