Just For You (Camren)

Alone With My Thoughts...

I keep thinking, lost in my own little world. I'm lost in my own train of thought... I can't seem to shut it off no matter how hard I try. I close my eyes, trying to meet my much needed slumber, but I can't, my own eyes shot up immediately. I can't stop thinking, I can't.

Decisions have to be made one way or another, people ask me if I'm ok or not, but of course... I put that graceful and possibly, a convincing smile on my lips and say the exact same thing, or relatively close to it.

"I'm fine." I know, it's not convincing but I try. I try to show them I'm fine. Even if I know I'm not. They're close to me, I can't even bare with the fact of losing them, but what can I do? Abosolutely nothing, fun right?

I can't stop thinking, I can barely even feel my eye lids becoming heavy. They're wide awake, unfortunately, so is my mind. This happens all the time, I think and I keep thinking. I know it doesn't sound so bad, but if you keep thinking about the worst case scenarios that could possibly happen "tomorrow", It doesn't sound so appealing than it was before.

I don't know who I can talk to. Simply because I don't want them to be involved in my own shitty-ass problems because I would probably sound selfish. So, I just write it down. It's probably the best thing I've ever done today... aside from spending time with my family of course.

I'm currently watching Ice-Age: Collision Course. I know, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL WATCHING CARTOONS?!" It's because I love cartoons!! I mean, they're amusing and entertaining but I love the way that it usually puts a smile or a laugh on someone's face. Especially if they're just kids, it's so hard not to be happy and try to be a kid. Even for just a moment.

A smile, laugh, chuckle, snicker and a grin all represent happiness, but of course it doesn't always happen. Those things, those actions... we don't normally do them. Sometimes, we're just met with unwanted feelings washing over us. Sadness, disappointment, agitation, anger and of course, confusion.

Our journey is filled with obstacles, trials and tribulations, (THE FANFIC THO!!) but we have choices to choose from. It's our choice if we stand back up, stronger than before and learn from our mistakes. Or we could give up, doubt our abilities and never stand back up again. Our choice, but we know what's best for us... so? What's stopping you from doing so? Doing the right thing? Choosing the choice that you know would make you happy.

I try to be an older sister. To set an example and teach her all the right things. To be there for her when she needs me and to be a shoulder to cry on. I know for a fact that she deserves so much better than a crappy older sister who's caught up in her own f*cking problems and can't even try to 'man' up and face it. I know she deserves someone better, who would be there for her and put a smile on her lips or even try to make her laugh. This is so messed up, I'm absolutely, definitely, completely and totally screwed up. *chuckles* This day just keeps on getting better and better.

From someone who fucked up,
Camz XOXO 😘