Sweet Dreams, Rabbit

No Man's Land

               In the defeating silence of the valley, I hear a small girl's voice emerge from my memories, sweet and happy sounding ; terribly innocent – as one would expect from a kid, I guess. « What a marvelous country, » she suddenly exclaimed in my head, painfully clear, as if it has all but happened yesterday, « It truly is a wonder land ! »

A familiar face appears then, in the dark corners of my mind, vague but strangely clear at the same time, like a distant dream – a round, young face, pale but not alarmingly so, with flushed cheeks and a mouth stretched into a big, toothy smile, wild blond curls gently framing her soft features.

A light spray of freckles also dusted her cheeks, like hundreds of tiny stars carved into her skin, barely there even in contrast to her paleness. Anybody who didn't look hard enough would miss them, but I didn't.

As soon as I pictured them in my mind, I remembered once again. Suddenly, they were the only thing I could see. There was no way I could pay attention to anything else than those crimson and golden dots, painting strange pictures in my head, for only I to see. It seems that the only sight of them is enough to send my mind in a whirlwind of unwanted thoughts and makes it difficult for me to track back my line of thinking.

It happens more often than not, me losing focus on whatever I'm doing. Some situations just seem to trigger my hazy memory, there was nothing to be done about that. After all, one can't go against their own traitorous mind. No matter how hard I try, my will isn't simply enough to win that fight, I knew to give up long time ago.

So each single time, I have to go through the same reactions over the same things, over and over again. To remember. Though, there are times when I wish my faulty mind would leave me alone. Times I wish I wouldn't remember what I've forgot, for sometimes the memories it brings aren't worth it. I don't want to think about anything even remotely close to freckles and whatever emotional baggage attached to it. My mind be damned, I hate freckles, for they reminded me all too soon and all too much of another familiar face that I'd rather just forget for once, a face I was definitely not ready to think about at the moment.

I know I can't run away from reality and as much as I'd like to sweep it under the carpet and pretend everything's fine, I know I can't. Can't blame me for trying still though. I don't want to think about him just yet, I want to push him in a corner of my mind and forget he even exists just for a bit longer, because the truth he represents is still too painful to bear on my own.

Not that my mind cared, mind you, for it always seems to remind me of him whatever I do. Sometimes I even wonder if it's not playing tricks on me and if the chaos of the last few months has really happened. If he really did what he did, though deep down I know it's just wishful thinking.

Pushing away any thoughts I have on the man the best way I could, I focused back to the seemingly endless crimson skies stretching above my head, I thought back of the girl.

I know her. Of course I do. Everybody here knows her. Back when she used to visit us as a child, radiating with brightness and purity. It doesn't matter anymore, though, not a lot of things does nowadays down there anyway. That was long time ago ; things have changed now. For the worse.

Reminiscent the past is something that I seem to do a lot lately. I can't believe I almost forgot about that – again, I tell myself bitterly ; I really have to do something about that faulty memory, go see a doctor or something, though the only doctor we have need even more medical attention than I do. That's right, that's how she used to call it. 'Wonderland', huh ? It's been a while since I've heard that one. I think. I'm not really sure about what I know these days, honestly.

I feel myself chuckle lowly at the incongruous name she dubbed our country with as a child, as I watch from the top of the hill I'm standing on the chaotic lands –ruins, really – that expand far beyond the horizon. Our world can't hardly be described as 'wonderful' anymore. I wonder what Alice – because that's her name, I recall – would think about what it has become, what would she say now ? She doesn't comment on every little thing like she used to do in the past, she's much quieter now. Not quite herself, really. Though sometimes you can still the ghost of her past-self emerge from time to time, she's not our Alice, not anymore ; at best, she's Almost Alice.

Doubt she'll ever be her true self ever again.