Unrequited, Unknown, Untold

Unknown

I'm weird. My whole life I've been weird. I tend to like things that are different, interesting, unique. I was a quiet, shy person in elementary school, and I still am, although not as severe. I never had many friends. The friends I did make were meaningful and worthwhile.

The people I put my trust in are important to me.

It's the same with this person. He's different, interesting, unique. And I wanted to get to know him because, well, he was intriguing. He doesn't really fit the requirements of a typical "hot" person. Do I care? Heck not. In fact it's even more amazing.

Over the 2 years I knew him I came to know a lot of his quirks. I know a lot of weird things about him that I probably shouldn't know/remember about him. I felt creepy [cleepy] because I didn't talk to him a lot and I didn't really consider him a close friend.

"So why didn't you try to become friends with him?" people might ask.

It's my fault. It's all my fault.

My stupid mind. It was always too shy- too afraid of everything. I tried everything I could to improve my confidence, and it did work, but only to a certain extent. It was not enough. I like to think that I'm just as secure and confident as everyone else, but mostly I just lie to myself a lot.

I never really did start a good conversation with him. As the year progressed he didn't talk to me much. I think he got the impression that I was stuck-up and too serious because I didn't talk much, was always getting good grades, and constantly practicing music. And on top of that I couldn't be around him without my brain feeling like Jell-O. Seriously, I thought that was a cliche, but it really came true for me. I'd try to talk to him and end up awkwardly rambling about trees and grass. Out of fear he'd notice, I stayed away.

But I can't be too sad about that. It was my fault. I think I subconsciously pushed him away.

It's ok. It was for his own happiness. Like my friend says, "Liking someone doesn't always mean you want to be in a relationship with them. It just means you want them to be happy."

And that's true.

I think I was paranoid about him finding my true feelings and becoming uncomfortable around me. I didn't want THAT to happen. The description of this book was only partially right. I'm not only too afraid to show him my affections. I'm scared to show ANY kind of affection to him.

No wonder he thinks I'm stuck up.

I think overall I am just very confused about this whole situation.

It's all in my head anyway.

In 20 years none of this will matter. In 20 years I'll laugh at how silly and teenager-y my problems seemed.

Maybe in 20 years I won't even remember this guy's name.

But I won't ever forget his nickname.

■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■

Dear Sushi,

Thank you for 2 years of confusion. It's been fun.

Please stay away from me. I'm still scared of you. >•< I will probably run and hide in the bookshelf.

You are an amazing person and I wish I could hug you.

I know I didn't talk to you much and we are not friends. But we were good semi-acquaintances.

I'm sorry for being cleepy. ;-;

Sometimes I'm annoying and not funny. Sorry.

Don't listen to your haters because they are stupid and can go choke themselves with a plastic green spoon from Yogurtland.

Please stay sushiful. Have a good year.

♡

- a silly person who doesn't know how to deal with life correctly