Unrequited, Unknown, Untold

Unrequited

I don't know how to feel.

That is what I thought. It's bad enough that my crush likes—no liked someone else. But He told me that He got over his crush in less than a day. To me that means that He never really had any feelings for Her or He's lying. It makes me feel as love is nothing more than an insignificant feeling that goes away just as easily as it's replaced.

He also tells me that She is a lesbian and I doesn't really know what to say. Skeptical about this new information, I asked, "How do you feel?" I got an answer saying, "The same. But I don't have a crush."

That hit me like a bullet train. If he felt nothing after realizing He had no chance with his so-called crush He never felt anything at all. All the jealousy and pain of seeing them together was all—

I suddenly realized that He has been gradually speaking to me less and less. The only time He speaks to me is through text—which is where I heard about this predicament— and the short bursts of conversation during lunch. At other times we see each other He makes no move to talk to me at all. He doesn't talk that much at lunch anymore and online I always initiate the conversation.

Maybe I shouldn't have told him I had a crush on him.

That happened a month ago. When my friend stole my phone while I was sleeping, she started feeding information to Him and his best friend. She made small talk. Then out out nowhere she says, "Did you know Lily has a crush on someone?" That one line set me up for disaster.

The two pestered me for weeks. I never revealed names or anything too obvious, only little hints. Okay that was a lie. I gave away a lot of obvious information but He is so dense it took him a while to guess. He was the one who was most concerned about it. His friend was just very curious and wondered who it was. This was when He said He had a crush and gave me small hints.

One day, we felt as we knew each other's crush. So, we guessed. He suspected it was himself and He was right. He thought no one could ever like him but I proved him wrong.

It was my turn to guess but I was not as confident in my answer as He was. There was so much missing information that it could be anybody. Afraid of rejection, I also guessed myself, which resulted in a phone call.

All this was happening over text since this was the weekend and we couldn't meet during that time. I answered hesitantly. He told me that I was not His crush and that it was Grace, a girl she has never met. Usually, not knowing who would be okay. But He gave me some misinformation: He said that she knew the person personally. I have never met Grace. I've never heard of her until now.

Of course, I didn't complain. I told him that all I want is for him to be happy. And that's true. I do want him to be happy. I just wished that I was the one He liked. He constantly apologized that day and I  said that I was fine. Which was a lie. I cried. Cried while playing the piano. He tried to reassure her. He said that if he didn't get to know Grace that year, that he would have chosen me.

That made it worse. Being rejected is one thing. Being the second choice is, in my opinion, worse. I kept this all inside. I never told him. I just said, "I'm fine." As a way to stay with Him, I asked is I could stay his best friend. The second best option to being His girlfriend. He said yes.

That day, I spent time with my family to try to keep my mind off of Him. During school I offered to help him win over Grace.

Which brings us to the current situation. I was at the piano when He texted me about Grace being a lesbian. I just sat there. Not texting back.

Now it's the end of the year. They have all summer to get over this drama. I don't know if I'll get over him or if anything will happen. But right now, I just want to get rid of the drama.

On the plus side... I can say that I tried... But Tofu stinks... and I still love it.

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Dear Tofu, 

I lied. 

I'm sorry. 

I wanted to ignore my feelings. I blame my friend for telling you in the first place. I blame myself for giving in to your pleading. For hoping that it was me. I blame you for telling that I knew her at all. Now that I know of her I can't stop seeing her wherever I go on campus. I always see you with her now. I smile and give you advice. I almost cried watching you two together. I feel a stronger connection between the songs I've learned because of you. 

I'm not fine.

I don't know if I will ever be.

But you make me smile. 

So I'll smile for you.

~ your best friend